


Measure In Love

by Silverdraeconis, Snow_Falls



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Alternate Ending, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Ash Lynx Lives, Domestic Fluff, Dorks, Dorks in Love, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Sexual Content, Fix-It, Fluff and Smut, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, I'll just keep writing alt endings, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Pining Ash Lynx, Relationship Negotiation, Soft Boys, Until I can't remember canon anymore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-02
Updated: 2019-07-06
Packaged: 2020-06-02 22:36:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 33,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19450873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silverdraeconis/pseuds/Silverdraeconis, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Snow_Falls/pseuds/Snow_Falls
Summary: "If he really never did see Ash again, at least Eiji had the comfort of knowing he was free. Finally, finally, Ash was somewhere no one could touch him, even as that was what Eiji longed to do. He felt like he could die from how badly he wanted to hold Ash again, just one more time. But, it wasn’t fair to want something so selfish. Ash was his own person, and he deserved to live for himself, wherever and however that may be."After the showdown in New York, Ash goes missing. Eiji returns to Japan alone, heartbroken and unsure what to do now. After one year of radio silence from Ash, the two meet again, getting closer over the course of a year, and fulfill the promise of forever.





	1. Fall

**Author's Note:**

> M'kay, I'll keep this one quick(ish), I'll gush about everything else at the end! Just thanks so much to everyone organizing and participating in the BananaFish Reverse Bang 2019! The mods were awesome, so well organized and on top of things, and everyone in this event was super nice and supportive, it's been a pleasure getting to chat with them about all things BF! 
> 
> Of course, extra special thanks to [Silverdraeconis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silverdraeconis) whose work inspired this fic, who helped me figure out how to get my writing to make sense, and who read over all this for me! Her work will be incorporated in the last chapter, get excited because it is BEAUTIFUL!!! 
> 
> Now, please enjoy chapter 1!

Eiji sat on the edge of his bed looking out the window. It was sunny outside, making it appear warm and inviting, even though Eiji knew it would be cool now. He stared at the roof of a house across from his apartment. Birds flew by, hopping along the drain, calling to each other, singing, but Eiji hardly registered that. He hardly noticed much these days.

One year had passed already since he had left New York, and still, he couldn’t seem to let that city go. It crept into his thoughts at every hour of the day and night, bringing with it images of the thing – person – he was really thinking about.

Ash.

He closed his eyes, feeling despair sink into his bones. The first month back had been hell. Eiji had been torn between rushing back to America and refusing to leave his room. When he heard Ash had disappeared, he spent a lot of time doing the latter.

Eventually Eiji had moved out, partly because he needed the space, but mostly because he simply couldn’t stand the well meaning sympathetic looks his family shot him when they thought Eiji wouldn’t notice. He enrolled back into school, studying photography now, but as he waited for his program to start in the winter, he was taking supplementary classes.

It was hard. The classes themselves weren’t difficult, what made it hard was him, his own self. Eiji fluctuated wildly between being ecstatic that Ash had escaped without a trace, and incredibly miserable at the idea that he might never see Ash again.

His feelings were like a constant ache, they were the white noise of his existence. If he let his guard down they would come into the forefront of his thoughts, and he would feel them acutely. The ache would turn into the sharp pain of a new wound, the dull noise like a roar of sound.

This - this melancholy was unlike him. It made Eiji feel dumb and childish. What would Ash say if he could see him right now? Wasting his time, doing nothing but listlessly staring out a window all day? He’d probably hit him – no he wouldn’t. Ash would tease him; he’d say something with enough bite to spark his indignation, but not enough to actually sting. He would smile; his beautiful bright, untroubled smile, and it would make Eiji feel like he could do anything, it would make Eiji –  _ feel _ .

Eiji sighed. He rubbed at his eyes feeling the hot sting of tears, and made himself get up. He couldn’t stay here. He was just going to sink into his thoughts if he did. He had enough self-preservation left to know that that was a bad idea, and enough energy to actually do something about it. Standing, he paused, about to turn, and looked at the little table by the head of his bed. In the top drawer was a letter he had written, sent back to him. Just then Eiji had the urge to take it out and just look at it, hold it, run his fingers over the edges of the envelope as he had done countless times before. He hadn’t opened it again, he didn’t need to read the words over, they were printed onto his heart. But, sometimes he held the letter and thought about what could have been if his words had reached their destination.

Resolutely, Eiji turned away and crossed the short distance to his door, picked up his coat as he went, slipped on his shoes, and was out the door.

It was exactly how he had imagined it would be outside. The sun was warm and it helped take the edge off the cool breeze that blew. Izumo was fully in fall now, there wasn’t a trace of summer left, and Eiji could feel winter was imminent.

He walked down the street pulling his scarf up a little and stuffing his hands into the pockets of his jacket. Eiji pulled at the collar and took a deep breath, all he could smell was the crisp autumn air, any bit of Ash’s scent that had lingered on that jacket was long gone. It was the only thing he had of Ash, given to him by Alex who had managed to save it in the chaos of Eiji’s last few days in New York. By then no one had seen Ash, but they hadn’t yet known he was gone. Alex had assumed Ash wouldn’t mind, and Eiji wasn’t selfless enough to refuse it. He had taken it with him, draped over his lap as he sat in his wheelchair at the airport and waited for his friend who never appeared.

Eiji’s feet took him automatically to a nearby park. It was a twenty-minute walk from his apartment but he didn’t even notice the distance. The park consisted of a small piece of grassy area that ended on a walkway that led to a small pond. Large rocks and trees lined the pond, in the last days of summer Eiji had stood in the shade and stared into that pond, and remembered his carefree days in Cape Cod.

Now, he stood and made himself breathe deeply. These days Eiji found himself on the verge of tears almost constantly. One minute he was fine, and the next his heart felt like it was breaking beyond repair.

Another deep breath. What Eiji needed was to have faith. He needed to trust in Ash, as he had from the moment he had met him. Ash had managed to pull himself out of every scrape he had ever found himself in, and there was no question he had done the same now. But, if Eiji was honest, that wasn’t exactly why it felt like his heart sat in pieces in his chest.

Of course he worried about Ash’s safety, of course he wanted only for him to be okay but – was this really it? After everything that had happened, after everything they had been through, was this how it all ended? Eiji quietly living out the rest of his days in Izumo, and Ash – gone? He told himself endlessly that that wasn’t the case, it wasn’t true, but some days it was harder to believe than others.

If he really never did see Ash again, at least Eiji had the comfort of knowing he was free. Finally,  _ finally _ , Ash was somewhere no one could touch him, even as that was what Eiji longed to do. He felt like he could die from how badly he wanted to hold Ash again, just one more time. But, it wasn’t fair to want something so selfish. Ash was his own person, and he deserved to live for himself, wherever and however that may be.

And Eiji, Eiji was his own person too, and he needed to remember that. Even if it felt as if his heart beat for Ash, like every breath he took filled his lungs and let him live in the hope of seeing Ash one more time. He couldn’t keep living like that. Eiji closed his eyes and remembered what Ibe-san had told him.

_ “Ash would want you to live your life. He always wanted what was best for you, and he wouldn’t want to see you so sad because of him.” _

__

It was true. Eiji knew it now, just as he had known it in that moment. Even though he had turned his back on Ibe-san when the older man had said it, heart sick, and so profoundly lonely.

Eiji was still both those things, but he was trying not to let that rule him. It was an uphill climb, and some days he felt as if he stumbled back down the hill instead of continuing up it, but he had to keep trying. Eiji knew that. He took another deep breath and opened his eyes.

A flash of blonde hair caught his eye.

There across the pond stood a figure, short blonde hair, back turned to him.

Eiji felt his heart beat two – three times as hard. Blood rushed through his veins and roared in his ears. He felt both like he was breathing hard and not breathing at all. Time seemed to stop as he stared, his body caught in indecision, did he run, did he yell, did he do both at once? Should Eiji just throw himself into the water as the fastest route over to him?

It was a miracle, a dream, a blessing, it was him, he was here, it was –

Ash.  _ Ash _ .  _ ASH _ .

Eiji made a jerky movement, caught on the edge of decision, when the figure turned their head.

It wasn’t Ash.

The feeling in Eiji’s stomach was like going down the stairs and missing a step, only ten times worse. It was a terrible gut punch that left him feeling winded, foolish, and hopeless. Eiji’s hands shook with adrenaline that slowly drained out of his body. He had been a fool; of course it wasn’t Ash. Tears pricked at his eyes, and Eiji angrily brushed them away. This was just what he got for being an idiot. What did he think was happening anyway?

He took a shaky breath, and turned away. He couldn’t stand to be there a second longer.

Making his way back to his apartment, Eiji walked slowly. He kept seeing the blonde figure in his mind over and over again. He couldn’t seem to stop thinking about that moment. But, as Eiji’s mind replayed the scene over and over again he couldn’t see how he could have possibly mistaken that person for Ash. Their hair had been a sandy blonde, their build had been bulkier, and the way they stood stiff and inelegant was nothing like Ash.

God, he was an idiot.

Eiji walked head down against the suddenly heavy wind. He saw nothing but the pavement in front of him as he trudged on, and even that he barely noticed. It was colder now, and the sun was partly covered by clouds. The wind stung his nose and ears, and Eiji welcomed it. It was almost a relief to feel pain in his body instead of just his heart.

So caught up in his thoughts was Eiji that he didn’t even notice as he walked right passed his apartment. He didn’t notice the person who had spotted him walking by either.

It was therefore an enormous shock to feel a hand close around his elbow. Eiji started so badly he jumped and almost punched the owner of the hand gripping his arm. Eiji’s arm hung suspended up at his chest, his eyes wide with disbelief.

What he felt then was almost too much for words, was there any way to describe the things he was feeling as he looked up at the face he would know anywhere? Eiji felt a million things in that moment. But, for once, his mind was quiet, like it had trouble processing and accepting the facts literally staring him in the face. Stuttering completely to a stop.

First, Eiji thought it was some kind of fever dream. His brain was so hung up on Ash he was starting to hallucinate, seeing him everywhere. First at the park, and now here.

But, seconds ticked by, and the two young men continued to stare at each other. Eiji continued to look right into the face of his best friend, his kindred spirit; his soul mate.

Ash’s brilliant green eyes blinked and looked back at Eiji as if he couldn’t believe what he was looking at either. His gaze moved over Eiji’s face like he was trying to memorize it, like he wanted to confirm it was just as he remembered.

“Eiji.”

It was his voice that finally did it. Eiji had been frozen in shock, and he felt it turn to wonder at the sound of his name from Ash’s mouth.

Eiji didn’t say anything. All at once he was moving. He threw his arms around Ash and held him hard.

Eiji shook with how tightly he was gripping Ash. He wasn’t sure if Ash was shaking too, but he was holding Eiji so hard it was almost difficult to breathe. But Eiji didn’t care, he welcomed it. Ash’s hold was almost crushing, and it still wasn’t hard enough. Eiji wished he could be held so tightly he would melt into Ash, press so closely to him they could never be separated again.

The ache in his chest was still present, but this time there was a sweet edge to it. His emotions had gone so far over they were at the other extreme. He was so happy it hurt.

Ash said his name again, breathy, his voice on the edge of laughter. Eiji felt that laughter well up in him too, when he said Ash’s name it was in his own voice, and then they were both laughing. Eiji pressed his face into the crook of Ash’s neck; his laughter muffled there, Ash’s own laughter muffled into Eiji’s shoulder.

They stood there, holding each other like the world was ending, like this was their last chance to do it, and really, it was all the opposite.

He didn’t know how much time passed, but his arms were sore when he finally loosened his grip. Ash, feeling his movement, did the same, but neither of them let go completely.

Both young men had no attention whatsoever to spare for the other pedestrians who walked passed them staring. Eiji’s arms still around Ash’s neck, and Ash’s resting on Eiji’s waist like it was the most natural thing in the world. They only had eyes for each other, and in that moment they may as well have been the only ones on the street, in the country, in the world.

“Ash,” Eiji said again, hardly knowing what else to say. It was funny how much he wanted to tell him, ask him, but suddenly he couldn’t find the words.

Ash leaned his head down, and rested his forehead on Eiji’s. A warm pleasant feeling made its way all along Eiji’s body. He was practically singing with it. The sheer joy he felt in that moment, holding Ash again, was so intense it slipped into pain. His feelings felt too big for his body, he wanted Ash to hold him tightly again, wring these feelings out of him.

Eiji closed his eyes, and breathed deeply. Ash’s scent flooded his senses. It was dizzying, and made Eiji feel like he had swallowed something warm and thick.

“I missed you.” Ash finally said, quietly, into the space between them.

“I missed you too.”

It wasn’t everything he wanted to say, but for now it was enough.

Another endless moment passed, and finally Ash pulled back. Eiji let him go, reluctantly. He was partly surprised when Ash took his hand, but the other part, the greater part, was absurdly pleased.

Ash smiled at him, that smile that made Eiji’s heart skip a beat. Ash turned and leaned down. That was when Eiji realized there was something at his feet, a small black, and nondescript carry-on suitcase. Ash pulled the handle up to extend it and then gestured forward as best he could with that same hand.

“Lead the way,” Ash said.

Eiji looked around, belatedly realizing he had walked by his apartment, but not caring. That didn’t matter. Nothing else mattered but Ash with him again.

He didn’t question the fact that Ash had come to see him, and judging from his luggage, stay with him. That seemed obvious, of course he could stay with Eiji. The question was, for how long?

_ Are you leaving me again? _

They walked into the building and waited for the elevator. Neither of them spoke, though Eiji was aware that Ash was looking around curiously. It was much too soon to worry about Ash leaving again. He hadn’t even properly enjoyed the fact that he was there yet; he was getting ahead of himself.

Eiji exhaled quietly, and when the elevator came, they moved as one to get on.

As they rode up, Eiji kept stealing glances at Ash. It was hard to stop looking at him, impossible, really. Every time he did, Ash turned to meet his gaze. He was smiling; he squeezed Eiji’s hand and ran his thumb soothingly over the back of it. It sent little tingles of warmth to every corner of Eiji’s body.

They got off at the 15th floor, Eiji’s floor, and then they were at his door. Eiji fished the keys out of his pocket, the task made a little awkward because they were in the pocket opposite his free hand. The obvious solution was to let go of their hands, but neither of them did. Ash watched Eiji in silent amusement, Eiji looked at Ash when he finally got the keys and stuck out his tongue. Ash laughed.

It was like he was experiencing everything about Ash in high definition. Like Eiji was a radio and every signal he was picking up was Ash. His laughter rang sweeter in Eiji’s ears, his beauty more heart–stopping, and his smile brighter. Everything about him was sharper, more in focus than it had ever been.

They took their shoes off at the door and Eiji regarded his tiny apartment. He wasn’t sure how this would work, now that he was standing there with Ash. He suddenly felt a little shy; almost embarrassed to show Ash his home, a place Eiji hadn’t thought he would share with him.

His apartment was really just two rooms. The main room that served as bedroom and living room with a small section wall to separate the kitchen, which was still visible from the rest of the room, and the bathroom.

“This is your place, huh?” Ash said, speaking for the first time since they had come in from the street. “It’s nice.” He said it easily, looking around with interest.

“It’s not much,” Eiji started, but Ash interrupted him.

“It’s great.” Ash said, stepping further in.

Eiji was pulled along. He was still holding Ash’s hand, and he could either move with him or let go. He chose the former.

They walked passed the kitchen, which Ash peeked into, and made their way to the bedroom/living area. Directly across from the door was a window, and to the right of that window was Eiji’s bed, pressed against the wall. A few feet from the bed was a rug, and on it sat a low table with Eiji’s laptop. He had a small succulent on the windowsill, a bookshelf mounted onto the wall at the foot of his bed, and on the opposite wall was a blown up picture of the New York cityscape at night.

When Ash saw it, he paused. The expression on his face as he looked at the city that had shaped him, housed him, and almost killed him, was unreadable. Eiji squeezed his hand.

Ash blinked and then looked at Eiji. 

“Why do you have this?” 

Eiji bit his lip. That was a complicated question. He had debated getting it again and again. It was his own picture, and he wondered if Ash realized that it had been taken with him.

The honest answer was that it reminded Eiji of Ash. That he couldn’t bring himself to look at pictures of Ash in his absence, but this was almost close enough. He kept it there as a reminder, a wish, a promise. It felt silly suddenly, now that he had to say it out loud.

In the end, he couldn’t say it at all. Telling Ash it was because of him, to his face, it felt like a confession he wasn’t ready to make. And, maybe that was the silliest part of all this, after all this time, how could he still not be ready?

Instead Eiji said, “It’s an important place.”

Ash looked at him for a moment, and then looked back at the picture, his expression complicated. Finally, he turned away and sat on the bed, pulling Eiji with him.

“So,” Ash said casually, like he was picking up on an old conversational thread. “How long have you been living here?”

“Oh no,” said Eiji. “I will ask the questions!” Ash looked a little amused, but he didn’t protest. He shifted his hand in Eiji’s, changing his hold and threading their fingers together. It made Eiji’s brain stutter. It was like he could feel that grip everywhere in his body; it was at once a soft pleasant feeling and one of the most profound things he’d ever felt. “Where have you been?” Eiji demanded, now that he was asking, his frustration from this past year came spilling out. “What were you doing? Where did you go?” And, finally, in a slightly smaller voice that sounded more hurt than Eiji had expected, “Why didn’t you tell me anything?”

The amusement on Ash’s face was gone now. He looked a little pained. “I’m sorry,” he said. “You were worried, huh?” Eiji rolled his eyes, feeling them sting a little and blinked the extra moisture away. He didn’t dignify that question with an answer; it was obvious.

Ash took a deep breath; he ran his free hand through his hair. Eiji hadn’t seen that gesture in a whole year. Not in real life anyway, he had seen it constantly in his memories. It was so familiar to Eiji it made his heart squeeze in a pleasant yet painful way.

“I was in South America.” Ash said. “I didn’t really stay too long anywhere. I was in Colombia, Ecuador, Peru, Bolivia, Panama, and Venezuela.”

“Oh,” Eiji said, surprised. “Why?”

Ash smiled, a little sadly. “Símon Bolívar.” His smile turned more genuine when he saw Eiji’s expression, he went on to explain. “He was a revolutionary figure, a military and political leader. His dream was to unite South America and free them from Spanish rule. Those countries are where he succeeded. Griffin used to tell me about him. I think he was someone Griffin admired, a fighter, just like him. Griffin was interested in the history and the places, he always wanted to go.” Ash paused, a faraway look in his eyes. “I used to tease him it was because of this Bolivian girl he dated, but even after they broke up, he still talked about Símon constantly.”

This bit of information wasn’t something Ash had ever shared with Eiji. And this particular piece of world history wasn’t something Eiji had any information on either, but he could almost see Ash in those countries in his mind’s eye. His mind meshing together what he had seen from movies, blurring the edges, the only thing in sharp focus would be Ash. On the busy streets, a mix of rustic and grand Spanish architecture, against the green plains and looming mountains, he could see Ash there with the same quiet expression that he wore in that moment.

“I never got to ask him what he would do if he got the chance to visit those countries. And, I think he told me what it was about Símon Bolívar that moved him so much, but I just a dumb kid when he told me. I think I would have remembered if I had been paying attention when he said it, but I must have been playing or something.” Ash sighed; regret was evident in his posture. “The whole time I was there, I kept trying to remember what he told me, but,” he shook his head, “it was no use.”

There was a brief silence, quiet and easy, despite the heavy topic.

“Did you go for him?” Eiji asked eventually.

Ash seemed to consider the question. “Yes,” he said, “and no. I just wanted to be somewhere I could breathe, you know?” Eiji nodded, he did know. “And, I’ve never told anyone that, about my brother, so I knew no one would look for me there.” Ash paused; he shot a glance at Eiji, and then turned his gaze back to a spot on the wall. “I went for you too.”

Eiji looked at him in surprise. “What does that mean?”

His grip on Eiji’s hand tightened briefly, then relaxed again. “When I heard you were going back – coming back here, I – “ Ash broke off, he looked down at his feet, and then looked at Eiji from the corner of his eye before staring straight ahead once more. “I couldn’t stand to be there without you.” Ash said it quietly, and Eiji felt a warm tingling feeling centered in his chest at Ash’s words. “I kept thinking about going to see you, asking you to stay, or to let me go with you, but – “ Ash ran his hand through his hair again, the gesture more agitated than his voice. “I wasn’t sure if it was right.”

Quite a few different emotions moved through Eiji in that moment. The first thing that made its way out of his mouth was, “What made you finally come?”

Ash turned his head to look at their entwined hands resting on the bed between them. “I missed you.”

Eiji wasn’t sure what he had expected as an answer, but it wasn’t that. The words caught him unprepared; Eiji felt the full weight of them.

Ash looked at him tentatively, then in surprise, his eyes going wide. “Why are you crying?”

“I don’t know!”

With his free hand Ash was brushing tears off Eiji’s cheeks. Eiji couldn’t seem to stop them from falling. He glared at Ash.

“What’s that look for?”

“You are an idiot.”

“What? Why?”

Eiji gestured vaguely; “You just – you keep – you – “ He broke off with a noise of frustration and continued to glare at Ash, muttering in Japanese.

The corner of Ash’s mouth twitched.

Eiji punched Ash’s shoulder. Ash winced, but he was smiling.

“What’s so funny?”

Now he laughed. Ash shook his head, his eyes bright, “I don’t know. I guess it just feels like old times.”

That was true, it did. It was very much like their time in New York, but with very significant changes. The fact that Ash hadn’t let go of his hand since they’d met was definitely one of them. And, if Eiji wasn’t mistaken, if it wasn’t just in his head, maybe something about the way Ash looked at him, the quality of his gaze, maybe…

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Eiji asked to distract himself.

Ash sighed again, deeply. “It felt like I was just going to bring you trouble. I thought about just disappearing, forever. I was willing to do it, I was going to, but – “ To Eiji’s utter astonishment, Ash was blushing.

“What, what?” He poked at Ash’s side.

Ash pointedly looked away from him. “There was this old woman, like a fortune teller,  _ bruja _ , she said – some things.” Eiji waited, but Ash didn’t expand any further.

“Oh no,” Eiji said, leaning toward him and pointing into his face. “No, you cannot  _ not _ tell me! You made me cry!”

Ash laughed, short and breathy, he shook his head, and gave him a look. “Fine.” He said. “She told me she knew I thought I was being noble, my intentions were good, but I was making someone else miserable.” Ash lifted up his free hand and touched his chest, over his heart. “She put her hand here, and told me there was a string between us, me and that person, and while I wasted time looking for ways to cut it, you – the other person – was coating it in diamonds.” He brought his gaze up to meet Eiji’s. “It’s stupid but, after that I just – I had to – “ He broke off, but Ash didn’t need to continue, Eiji understood. He nodded.

“I’m glad.” Eiji said, softly. “I’m so glad.”

They gazed at each other. Eiji was still leaning forward, and Ash leaned down.

There was one moment where Eiji thought his heart would either stop or beat entirely out of his chest.

But, Ash only pressed his forehead against Eiji’s, closing his eyes. Something like disappointment bit at Eiji’s insides, but he shoved it forcefully aside. This was already so much. It was more than he had dared hope for.

They stayed like that for a long moment. It felt like Eiji’s heart was slowly building itself back up the more he touched Ash, the longer he was by his side.

“What happens now?”

Ash opened his eyes, and slowly leaned back, still very close. “Would you mind if I stayed?”

“Of course not,” Eiji gave him a look that said ‘idiot’ so he wouldn’t have to actually say it aloud. “I wonder how we will fit here though.”

“Oh, we can just move.”

“What?”

“I’ll get us a bigger place. I’m rich, remember?”

“You can’t just decide that!”

“Well, what’s  _ your _ suggestion then?”

“I – that is  _ not _ the point!”

When Eiji pointed at Ash again, Ash grabbed his hand and pressed it onto the bed with the other. They sat like that and bickered good-naturedly. It really was just like old times, and at the same time it was something entirely new, like a bright sprout, full of potential, full of promise. Eiji felt more like himself than he had in months, sitting there arguing with a beautiful street urchin from New York who had, once again, blown into his life, and made him  _ feel _ .

That night Eiji pushed the table off his rug, pulling it a bit closer to his bed, and squeezing the table into a corner of the room. He piled extra sheets and blankets onto it to form a makeshift bed. They had played rock, paper, scissors to decide who slept on the bed; both of them insisting the other should take it. Ash had won, and his prize was to sleep on this mess of bedding. Eiji had secretly enjoyed their arguing.

They took turns bathing, the sight of Ash fresh from the shower, towelling his still dripping hair, made Eiji’s heart squeeze.

Now they were lying in their beds, and judging by the sound of Ash’s breathing, both of them still awake. They were quiet for a long while.

Ash was the one to break the silence, in a soft voice he said, “Thank you.”

Eiji turned his head to the side; he couldn’t see Ash from his elevated position. “For what?”

“Just, thank you.”

As much as Eiji wanted to see what kind of expression Ash was making, he was also incredibly scared to look at him. He was certain it would  _ mean  _ something in that moment, and Eiji wasn’t sure how he would handle that.

“Don’t thank me,” Eiji said. “I’m still mad at you.”

A soft sound that could have been a laugh came from Ash. “I know.”

Eiji hesitated, but he needed to ask, “Will you stay?”

There was a long pause. The longer it stretched the more convinced Eiji was that Ash would say no, and the more Eiji couldn’t bear to hear it. He wished Ash would just get it over with.

“Do you want me to?”

Exasperated, Eiji said, “ _ Yes _ .”

Wasn’t Ash a genius? Why was he asking stupid questions?

“Okay.” Ash’s voice was even quieter. “I’ll stay.”

Eiji smiled softly into the darkness of the room, and then closed his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Measure in loooooove!!! Yes, I am totally taking that from Rent's "Seasons of Love" and yes, it's also where I got the idea of writing the story through the seasons. I'm a sap what can I say? 
> 
> It's super WILD to finally be sharing this!!! I feel like I've been working on this for ages, but then also it came up pretty fast. It's really great to talk about this now! I had so much fun writing, and just thinking about different aspects of the relationship between Ash and Eiji. This ending is also something I've wanted to write forever, so it's great to have an excuse!!! How many more times am I going to write alt endings??? As many as it takes. =D
> 
> Find me for more of my nonsense on [twitter](https://twitter.com/snow_falls4) and [tumblr](https://nightofviolet.tumblr.com/)! You can find Silverdraeconis wonderful stuff on [twitter](https://twitter.com/SilverDraeconis) and [tumblr](https://silverdraeconis.tumblr.com) too!!


	2. Winter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ash softly pining. That's it, that's the whole chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PINING. In my head it's the "dragons" dude from national geographic saying it, it's very important to me.
> 
> I struggled a lot writing this chapter. I rewrote it, like, 4 or 5 times, and finally managed to produce something I liked with Silverdraeconis's help, thank you so much for your suggestions!!! 
> 
> Please enjoy soft boys! =)

The months passed as if in a dream. They seemed to bleed into each other, endless and almost unreal with how calm they were. During this time Ash’s biggest struggle was attempting to understand how the recycling worked.

Ash had gotten used to quiet from his time in South America, but being back with Eiji, being with someone who he couldn’t bear to lose made Ash uneasy somehow. He thought now that he was with Eiji he would find true peace, and it wasn’t as if he was unhappy, this was just uncharted territory. Everything with Eiji was uncharted, Eiji himself was unprecedented, and he had been from the very beginning. It was as if now that Ash held everything he could ever want in his hand, he was terrified, and almost certain he would lose it.

It was hard, in those early weeks not to panic and run from everything. It felt like two conflicting impulses had lived in Ash, still sometimes crept up on him. He wanted very much to stay, dig his claws in and refuse to budge, but another part of him, the part that was convinced he was nothing but trouble still insisted it was best if he left Eiji alone.

Ash had said as much to him one night. He had woken from a nightmare where Eiji lay on the ground, bloody and motionless, Ash not knowing how or what had happened, but knowing without a doubt he was responsible.

_He went just to look at Eiji, reassure himself Eiji was okay. Eiji woke, looked at Ash with eyes huge in the dim light; they were soft with sleep, and concern. Ash sat on the edge of Eiji’s bed, and after he told him everything, Eiji said, “If you left, I would go with you.”_

_“What?”_

_“You are stubborn,” Eiji said, “but so am I. I don’t need you to save me, but that doesn’t mean I don’t still need you.”_

_Ash felt Eiji’s words wash over him like cool water over a burn. Eiji took the lingering sense of dread from Ash, grounding him in reality._

_“It was just a bad dream, you won’t hurt me, I promise.”_

_That startled a laugh out of Ash, “_ You _promise?”_

_“Yes.” Eiji said, tugging the blanket out from under Ash and throwing it back, tugging Ash down to share his bed. Ash let himself be pulled, and laid himself out beside Eiji. The immediate relief Ash felt from Eiji’s closeness, his wonderful body heat, his scent, almost made him cry. “Do you want to talk about it?”_

_Ash hesitated, “Not right now,” he said._

_“Okay,” Eiji said. Then, “Can I hold you?”_

_There was a vague sense of guilt that sprung up in Ash when Eiji offered him that. His impulse was to say no, but that wasn’t what he wanted to answer with at all. Ash was afraid he was misreading Eiji, he was afraid to hope, but in that moment he felt_ want _more than he felt anything else. So, he answered, “Yes.”_

_Pressed against Eiji, Ash had slipped into dreamless sleep._

By then they had already moved. Eiji had been both indignant and excited. There was a quiet joy that burst from Eiji every time they made decisions together on how to arrange their new apartment. It was contagious, and soon it wasn’t a quiet joy, but loud and exuberant, and Eiji forgot to be annoyed with Ash. He stopped shooting Ash annoyed looks, and instead turned eyes that sparkled on Ash every time they agreed on something.

Despite all that excitement, or perhaps because of it, they had spent the holidays quietly. Eiji had taken Ash to see a Christmas illumination, which had been lovely, mostly couples and young families, and then they had gone home and exchanged gifts. Eiji had gotten him an emerald green scarf and a book of children’s stories to help Ash practice his Japanese. Ash had gotten Eiji a good luck charm for students, and a new camera bag.

On New Year’s Eve they had made soba, Ash diligently following Eiji’s instructions, and watched the countdown at home. Eiji, two beers, and two glasses of champagne into the night had leaned over and kissed Ash on the cheek before promptly falling asleep, his head on Ash’s shoulder. That was only two days ago, and Ash was trying not to think about it even as he mind replayed the sensation over and over again. 

Ash didn’t say anything about it, he was pretty sure Eiji didn’t remember that kiss at all.

It didn’t snow very much in Izumo. When it did, it was light and wet, and melted almost at once. They were close to the water, and the weather was a bit balmier than Ash was used to. It wasn’t dry cold like it was in New York, and while Ash didn’t miss all the static and chapped lips that came with that, he did miss not feeling damp and cold.

At that moment though, he was neither of those things, just the opposite. Ash was laid out under a new _kotatsu_ , warm and drowsy. Eiji had scolded him earlier about not falling asleep under it, and even though Ash had sworn up and down he wouldn’t, just then it felt like a real possibility.

“No sleeping,” Eiji reminded him, as he poked Ash’s cheek with a section of mandarin, which he then offered to Ash.

Ash ate the sweet fruit and watched as Eiji turned back to the laptop set on top of the _kotatsu_. He was sitting beside Ash, peeling mandarins, and watching a documentary. Eiji had purposely angled the screen down a little so Ash could see from where he was lying, but Ash wasn’t really paying attention.

“What does ‘intransigent’ mean?” Eiji asked suddenly.

“It means someone who refuses to change their mind about something, stubbornly disagreeing. You can be intransigent.”

Eiji turned away from the laptop to shoot Ash a look.

“You have something on your face,” Ash gestured for Eiji to lean down, and he obliged. Ash reached up and pinched his cheeks. Eiji only looked mildly surprised, and then very unimpressed. He didn’t jump to indignation when Ash did things like this anymore, well, most of the time. It took some of the fun out of it for Ash, but poking at Eiji wasn’t the only reason he did it, the other part was testing.

Eiji didn’t look away from Ash as his touch lingered, for no good reason now. This was the test, a gentle sort of prodding that Ash had been doing for months.

This level of intimacy wasn’t new, exactly. It wasn’t like they were ever careful about touching; those boundaries had disappeared almost immediately after they met. But, it wasn’t the same as before. Things like sleeping in the same bed, instead of sticking to their own sides, Ash woke with his face pressed against Eiji’s neck, or his chest, or his back, that was different, new. It felt like Ash was crossing a line, and Eiji was letting him. Even this, Eiji’s face in his hands, this wasn’t strictly platonic.

And, the maddening thing was Ash couldn’t tell if Eiji was reading it the same way. Eiji was sweet and obliging, when he wasn’t also purposely picking fights with Ash for the joy of watching him bristle. Sometimes, like now, Ash was sure it wasn’t platonic for Eiji either. He was almost positive that if he pressed Eiji onto his back and kissed him, Eiji would let him.

If Ash did that now, would Eiji taste like mandarins?

“Your eyes have gold in them,” Eiji observed. It wasn’t a compliment, just an observation, and Ash was pretty sure it wasn’t Eiji flirting back. He let go of Eiji and drew his hands back, folding them under his head instead.

“Jealous?”

Eiji rolled his yes, “Oh, yes.” He said, and then straightened, “Are you even watching this?” He gestured to the laptop.

“No.”

“Then why did I adjust it for you?”

Ash shrugged.

“You jerk,” Eiji punched Ash’s shoulder lightly. “I couldn’t see the screen properly, but you argued with me for five minutes to do that so you could watch!”

Ash shrugged again, smiling a little this time. Eiji made a little noise of irritation, and then made a face at Ash.

“After this we should clean.” Eiji looked at Ash from the corner of his eye, “You can clean the washroom.”

“I’ll play you for it.” Ash said, without missing a beat, like he had been waiting for Eiji to bring it up.

“’Play me?’”

“Yeah, poker.” Games of poker were how so many decisions about chores had been made with Ash’s gang; it was why Ash hardly did any of the housework before. “Unless you think you’ll lose. Which is fine, because you will.”

He saw the exact moment Eiji took the bait. Annoyance colouring his expression, Eiji said, “You’re on.”

“You’re cheating!” Eiji accused, ten minutes later when they sat across from each other, still at the _kotatsu_.

“I am not,” Ash said with mock seriousness. “You just suck.”

Eiji shot him a glare. He threw down his losing hand and demanded, “Again!”

Ash bit back a laugh and collected the cards. Eiji reached over to snatch the cards out of Ash’s hands; Ash let him, too amused to protest.

“I will deal.” Eiji declared.

Ash held up his hands in surrender, and watched Eiji expertly shuffle the cards, and then deal them. Of course Ash didn’t have to be dealing to cheat, he could just count the cards, but he wasn’t going to do that. Truly, he was just good at the game.

Only a few seconds after they had both picked up their cards Ash’s phone began to buzz. It sat on the table, out of the way in a corner. Both young men looked at it, Eiji smiled when he saw the screen and put his cards down. Ash did the same, and answered the call.

“Hi, Max.” Ash said, holding out the phone so his face was visible.

“ _Hey, kid_ ,” Max said with affection.

One of the first things Ash had done after settling in was get in touch with Max. Although he had been happy to hear from Ash, Max had still taken the time to chew him out for not contacting anyone sooner.

_“Aren’t you some kinda genius? You couldn’t think of a way of tellin’ us you were okay? I know you didn’t want anyone to follow you, but Jesus, we didn’t even know if you were alive! For a whole year! You inconsiderate, ungrateful little – “_

Max had gone on for several minutes, cursing, not exactly at Ash, more in his general direction. Ash hadn’t even interrupted; he had rolled his eyes though.

“ _How are you?_ ” Max adjusted the stand his phone must have been sitting on because the screen shook for a second, and then both his hands were visible.

“Fine,” Ash said, automatically. “You? How’s your family?”

“ _Good_ .” Max replied, smiling a little. “ _They say ‘hi.’ Michael says he has movie recommendations for you; he’ll message you later. Oh, is Eiji there?_ ”

“Yeah,” Ash looked up, and Eiji moved to sit beside him.

They talked to Max for a few minutes, exchanging pleasantries and updates. Max and Eiji also took a moment to passively-aggressively gang up on Ash when Max mentioned keeping in touch.

“It _is_ nice when people tell you where they are going, and when they’ll be back.”

“ _Yeah, I would ground Michael forever if he didn’t at least give me a call._ ”

Ash sighed deeply, long, and suffering, “How much longer are you two gonna pull this crap?” He demanded.

Eiji and Max exchanged a look. “ _Until it stops pissing us off, probably_.”

“Maybe longer,” Eiji added.

Ash gave them a look, and then changed the subject. He still felt bad enough about it that he didn’t try and argue with them, but not bad enough to let it keep going.

“ _Oh, Ash, before I forget. I got some dates for the wedding, I’ll send them to you, so make sure to keep them open._ ”

Eiji had excused himself to use the washroom, it was just him and Max for the moment.

“Jessica really agreed to marry you again, huh?”

“ _Yeah, well,”_ Max scratched his cheek. _“I guess we’re both crazy.”_

Ash shook his head, “Definitely, but I’m happy for you.”

Max smiled, “ _Thank you. Hey, I gotta go, gotta leave soon. Tell Eiji bye for me. And, Jessica says she loves his recent stuff. She wants him to send her more, tell him for me, yeah? We send our love, kid, take care._ ” Max said with the ease of someone who is used to sending his love. Ash tried not to fidget every time Max said something like that; it made him feel young and vulnerable. But, Max never gave him much time to feel awkward. “ _Don’t do anything crazy, we’ll talk later._ ”

“Yeah,” Ash said again. “See ya.”

Max waved, and then ended the call.

Ash sighed a little and leaned back on his hands. He closed his eyes, and stretched his back, letting his head fall back.

A moment later he heard Eiji return, the sound of his soft unhurried footsteps was as familiar to Ash as the sound of his own heartbeat now.

“Ah, Max had to go?”

He felt Eiji kneel beside him. “Had something to do, he said. Jessica likes your stuff, by the way. She wants you to send more when you can.” Ash added, opening his eyes and tilting his head to look at Eiji at an angle.

Eiji was smiling at him.

“What?”

“Nothing.” Eiji reached out and tucked Ash’s hair behind his ear. He did it casually, his touch didn’t linger; he used the same economical movements he would on himself. “We should start dinner, I’m getting hungry.”

Their game of poker forgotten, the division of chores would be decided another time. Instead they went to the kitchen and made dinner. Eiji had insisted Ash learn to cook, and had been teaching him since Ash moved in. Ash could now make simple things, which Eiji beamed over like he had trained a five star chief. He teased Eiji about it, but secretly Ash was immensely pleased.

“Stir it quickly – not that hard!” Bits of food flew out of the pan landing on Ash and Eiji’s identical aprons. Eiji was laughing, Ash had managed to flick a small piece of carrot onto his own cheek. “Rough American.” Eiji said, amused, picking the carrot off Ash with affection. “There, yes, like that.”

It was indescribably good to be with Eiji again. His sweet smile, his bright laughter, the way he gestured when he was excited, the tilt of his head when he was confused, the warmth in his eyes when he looked at Ash. Ash hadn’t been lying when he had told Eiji he missed him, he had. More than he missed his home, and his friends who were more like family, he had missed this young man who was patiently instructing him now, gently, fearlessly, teasing him.

Ash had felt like he had left something essential to him behind when he had gone. He had tried to tell himself it was just the shock of everything he had gone through, but day after day he would lie awake in bed and relive every moment he had spent with Eiji, wishing there had been more.

Now that he was here, now that Ash was with Eiji again, it was unthinkable that he leave him again. It felt miraculous, magical to be here like this, like Ash was living in a fairytale. The evil slain, Ash was free to live with his white knight, who had dared death and destruction to save Ash.

“Damn,” Eiji muttered when he accidentally knocked the tomatoes off the counter.

“Klutz.” Said Ash without skipping a beat.

Eiji glared at him.

Before they sat down to eat Eiji went to heat up the bath, so that by the time they were finished, the water was ready.

“I’ll clean up, you can go first.” Ash said, taking the plates.

Eiji began to stand and then paused. “Why?” He asked suspiciously.

Ash rolled his eyes even though his back was to Eiji. “Shut up, I do dishes. Go already.”

Eiji did, purposely hip bumping Ash as he went.

A short while later Eiji called out that the bath was free now. Ash had been sitting in the living room looking over flights for the dates Max had given him. He put his laptop to sleep and got up to take a bath.

The bathroom was different than what Ash was used to. Eiji had had to teach Ash how it worked when they first moved. The toilet had its own little room, and the bathing area was divided into two parts.

“ _You sit here,_ ” _Eiji gestured to the low stool, “and wash off. Then when you’re clean you soak in the bath, just like in an onsen.”_

Ash did that now. It was strange for him, the first word that came to mind was ‘foreign,’ but that wasn’t right, because Ash was the foreign one. He sat on the small stool and scrubbed at his skin, and then washed his hair.

_“Do you want to bathe together? Then I can show you?”_

Eiji had asked that, nonchalantly. Ash hadn’t even been able to hide his surprise.

Ash picked up the showerhead and rinsed off, everything was so different now. Before it would have been easy for Ash to brush something like that off. He probably would have called Eiji a perv, and made a joke about him just wanting to see Ash naked, but it was too close to the truth to joke about now. Except it was all on Ash’s part. If Eiji sat with Ash in this small space, Ash had no idea how he would handle the proximity. All Ash knew was he would be an absolute mess, and that was never a good look.

The water was still nice and warm when Ash sank into it. He sighed a little as he settled in. The tub wasn’t big enough for Ash to stretch out comfortably, it wasn’t big enough for Eiji either, but it was still nice to soak in. Ash ran a hand through his wet hair, combing his bangs back with his fingers, and leaned his head back against the wall. His knees were bent and stuck up out of the water; Ash dropped his hands into the water at his sides and sighed again, closing his eyes.

Was this all in Ash’s head? Was he the only one who was a tumult of emotions and conflicting desires? Did it mean anything – anything _else_ when Eiji touched him? Or was he really just a concerned friend? Ash had so little experience in this area, he felt like he was going crazy turning over events and moments in his head, analyzing them from every angle. Examining them all like they were clues in a mystery he was trying to solve.

_Exhibit A: The way Eiji_ looks _at me._

Jesus, this was hard. Ash ran his hand through his hair again, agitated this time, opening his eyes and staring at his scarred knees.

Coming back, Ash had already admitted to himself that his feelings for Eiji were romantic. Back in New York he had been pushing them to the side, in the dead of night sometimes letting them wash over him, but never giving them a name. It had been like Ash was regarding them from a distance, like peering into a room but never stepping inside. And, Ash had thought it would be easy to keep doing that, to push his feelings aside, sink them under the wonderful foundation of their friendship, but he couldn’t. It was like trying to push something buoyant underwater, sometimes you could do it for a moment or two, but it never stayed down, and sprung forcefully back up whether you wanted it to or not. That’s what it felt like every time Eiji smiled at him.

Ash scrubbed his hands over his face. He wished – he didn’t know what he wished. He was scared to wish.

Standing up Ash made his way out of the bath.

He emerged not long after, dressed in clean pajamas, his hair still damp, but not dripping and went back to his room. He and Eiji had separate rooms. They were both small, but Ash’s was slightly bigger, and he bought a slightly bigger bed accordingly. Practically, it was so his feet didn’t hang off the end, but Ash had also considered how much more comfortable it would be to sleep with Eiji if they had more space. The funny thing was that they hardly ever did sleep together in Ash’s bed, because Ash was the one who slipped into Eiji’s room like he was Goldilocks and Eiji’s bed was _just right_.

Ash threw his clothes into his laundry basket and checked the time. It was still a little early to sleep. He glanced over at the pile of books stacked by his bed. He could read, that pile only got bigger, not smaller. Ash looked over at his door, he wondered if Eiji was already in bed, he thought he had seen Eiji’s door open when he got out of the bathroom. Ash spent half a minute in indecision and then walked out of his room. Whatever. There was no point in being shy now.

The door to Eiji’s room was wide open, Ash walked soundlessly in. He stopped just at the entrance though, and enjoyed the picture Eiji made.

‘Comfortable,’ was the first word that came to mind when Ash saw him. ‘Content’ was the second. Eiji was lying on his bed, his bare feet crossed at his ankles, and his head lying on the mattress, pillow pushed to the side. Eiji’s eyes were closed, and he was listening to music, earbuds in and plugged into his phone, which he held loosely on his stomach. His other hand was up by his head, Eiji’s body language was open and relaxed, and it made Ash’s heart ache.

Ash walked over to him, tapped a finger on Eiji’s nose, watching his eyes open, his expression startled and then glad, glad to see Ash. Ash nudged him with his knee and Eiji moved over a little to give Ash room to sit.

Ash took an earbud out, and brought it up to his own ear. “What are you listening to?” As Ash asked, he could hear the song fade.

“Music,” Eiji replied, smiling, like he thought he had just said something funny.

Ash shot him a look and Eiji’s smile grew. A new song started up.

“Oh,” said Ash, as the familiar melody began to play.

_Mō seiippaidaro karada ni michita namida afure dasu yo tomedonaku._

“You know this song?”

Ash scoffed. “I’ve lived with you for years, you think I don’t know this song?”

“Can you understand the lyrics?”

Ash paused, listening hard for a moment. “Not completely.” It was more like an impression, like he had a general idea taken from words he could understand, and, of course, the melody. The music conveyed longing, to help someone – save someone.

“It reminds me of you,” Eiji said. Before Ash could say anything to that, Eiji glanced over to his night table, on the right side of the bed, just in front of Ash. Ash looked over too. “Ah.” Eiji said, when he realized Ash had followed his gaze. “That’s, um, for you.”

Ash had noticed the white envelope sitting on the night table when he walked in. Now, he put the earbud down on the bed, and took a step to reach for the envelope, sitting back down in the same movement. Written across the back was his name, in Eiji’s cramped familiar scrawl. Ash looked over at him, questioningly. Eiji pulled the other earbud out of his own ear, and then unplugged the earphones, effectively pausing the music. He sat up and crossed his legs.

“That’s – it’s for you,” Eiji said again, and pulled on the hem of his pyjama pants, unsuccessfully trying to stretch it over his barefoot, he suddenly seemed very interested in this effort. “I gave it to Sing to give to you before I left, but, well,” Eiji shrugged, picking up his phone, and fiddling with that now. “Anyway, I was going to throw it out, but I thought maybe – maybe you might want it.”

“Can I read it now?”

“Oh,” Eiji sounded surprised. “Um, I didn’t – “

But, Ash wasn’t listening anymore. He was already turning the envelope over. He missed the somewhat panicked look Eiji shot him. 

Ash was burning with curiosity, what could Eiji have possibly written to him?

_Ash –_

_I am very worried because I haven’t seen you, and I don’t know if you are okay._

Ash could hear Eiji’s voice as clearly as if he were reading this out loud. The way his accent shaped his words, the tone of his voice when he was serious, it was Eiji’s voice in his head as Ash continued to read.

_We are friends. Isn’t that enough?_

_What else do we need?_

He could almost picture Eiji writing this. The furrow in his brow, his hand forming letters he wasn’t used to, his slow progress, his thoughtful frown.

_Above all…I met you, Ash._

In Ash’s mind Eiji’s hand hesitated here, then slowly added the ellipsis. Was it his imagination, or was his name written with more care? Ash could see that in his mind too, Eiji’s hand careful over the three letters that sounded so good coming from him.

_I know you are much smarter than me, and bigger, and stronger – but even so – I always wanted to protect you._

_Funny, isn’t it?_

But, he had, and he did. Eiji had come in like spring after a long winter. He had reminded Ash what it was like to see flowers bloom, that the world wasn’t always encased in ice, it was bright and beautiful too, and _alive._ There was nothing really funny about it, except for the fact that maybe – maybe Eiji didn’t see it. That Eiji hadn’t just protected him; he had saved Ash from something worse than anything any of those men could have done to him. He had saved Ash from lonesomeness so profound it would have killed his spirit, even if his body lived.

_You are not alone, Ash._

_My soul is always with you._

_Eiji_

It wasn’t that Ash had forgotten that Eiji was sitting only a foot from him, it was more like his brain was so occupied with what he was reading it only partly paid attention to Eiji. Ash heard the words ring in his ears, as if Eiji had said them all out loud. He heard them in the silence of the room, and became very aware that his hands were shaking. 

The letter wasn’t the only thing Eiji had given him; there was a plane ticket to Japan too.

Ash slowly looked up. Eiji was watching him. He wasn’t sitting with his legs crossed anymore; instead they were up to his chest, his arms around them, his back pressed against the wall. He was blushing, and when Ash met his gaze, Eiji looked away. Ash’s heart squeezed. He carefully folded the letter again and put it back in the envelope, he was going to keep that forever.

Setting it aside he moved closer to Eiji, so he was sitting as close as he could without being pressed against him. Eiji didn’t look up at Ash as he neared, and Ash had the impression he was approaching a wild animal, at the first sudden movement Eiji might startle and run from him.

Eiji had put his phone down, and now he was twisting the end of one sleeve in his fingers.

“Did you mean all that?” Ash asked, feeling like his heart was going to beat out of his chest. He pitched his voice lower, to hide how breathless he was.

“Of course,” Eiji said to his feet, quietly.

“Eiji.” Carefully, Ash reached out. His fingers, lightly under Eiji’s chin, were a question, not a demand. Eiji answered, he lifted his face, and looked at Ash.

It wasn’t just in Eiji’s letter; it was there in his eyes too. Eiji’s feelings on display.

Everything about Eiji in that moment was a confession, his earnest and unsure expression, the way he couldn’t seem to keep his hands still, and the lovely flush colouring his cheeks. It broke something in Ash’s chest; he felt it spill warmth that pressed against his heart making Ash feel like he was brimming with that warmth.

“Eiji, I – “ Ash didn’t know how to finish that sentence. There were a myriad of things he wanted to say, and slightly less things he _could_ say, but when he reached for them they all vanished. There were no words to close his fingers around; there were only all the feelings in his overflowing heart. 

Still, Ash tried again. He opened his mouth, hoping something would come to him; Ash Lynx was never at a loss for words.

It was Eiji’s touch that did it. A gentle press of his fingers to Ash’s hand, the one that was pressed against the mattress for balance. He felt Eiji’s fingers curl around his own, and Ash seemed to move without conscious thought. The hand still lifting Eiji’s chin slid around to his cheek, cupping it, and then Ash kissed him, watching the way Eiji’s eyes widened, and then slipped closed.

It was a gentle pressure. Warm, and feather light, there one moment, and gone the next.

When Ash drew back, Eiji opened his eyes. Eiji let go of his knees and unfurled his legs, sliding his hand into Ash’s hair, his hand at the back of Ash’s head, and pulled him forward.

Eiji’s touch was as careful as Ash’s, they were both asking, and neither of them took anything that wasn’t already waiting to be given. Ash went at Eiji’s soft insistence, more than willing.

Kissing Eiji made Ash’s mind quiet, and at the same time sent absolutely every nerve in his body into complete chaos. They were only touching in a few places, hands, and mouths, but it was like those points of contact were so overloaded with sensation every other part of Ash had to take the excess. So that he felt that kiss in his stomach, and all the way down to his toes.

Eiji was as sweet as Ash remembered, better than Ash remembered. Because this time, Eiji was kissing him back without hesitation, and he had kissed _Ash._ That first time, years ago, Ash had felt like a thief, a criminal, stealing Eiji’s – what he later found out – first kiss.

The second kiss was a gift, and so was the third, and the fourth…

When he kissed Eiji with just a bit more pressure, Eiji did the same. He was so incredibly sweet, Ash wanted to eat him up.

And, it was precisely that desire that made Ash gently pull away. In that moment he felt less like Goldilocks and more like the Big Bad Wolf, he would devour Eiji if he wasn’t careful.

They were both breathing hard, Ash heard Eiji swallow, and looked up to find Eiji already looking at him. His eyes were dark, and his expression was as thrilling as it was terrifying.

So, Ash had been right after all, thank god. _Exhibit A: The way Eiji_ looks _at me._

Eiji reached out with his other hand, and ran his fingers through Ash’s hair, futilely trying to tuck it behind his ears; it fell back anyway, sweeping over Ash’s forehead. Eiji smiled a little, shyly, not quite meeting Ash’s eyes.

Despite his shyness, Eiji leaned up and kissed Ash again, Ash’s face caught between Eiji’s hands. It was far too brief, and it made Ash’s heart race.

This was all so strange, so exciting, and new, and Ash didn’t know what to do with everything he was feeling. He felt young, and like someone discovering the ocean for the first time, in awe of its seemingly endless potential, and frightened of its unknown depths. He felt like he didn’t have all the answers he thought he would by now, and that scared him, but it was _Eiji_. If Ash was ever brave, if he was ever willing to try for anything, he was willing to try for Eiji. And, more than that, he _wanted_ to.

“I’m sorry I didn’t get to use that ticket,” Ash said. Eiji had let go of him, his hand going back to Ash’s on the bed, an already familiar gesture, yet somehow completely new. Eiji had pressed his forehead to Ash’s, and Ash’s voice was barely above a whisper.

“Don’t be,” Eiji said, just as soft. “You’re here now.”

Ash closed his eyes for a second, revelling in the moment, the quiet elation of requited love.

“You don’t want me to make it up to you?”

A small laugh that was more of an exhale, escaped Eiji. “What will you give me?”

“Anything.”

Eiji pulled back, just enough to look at Ash, who met his gaze steadily. He smiled, and then shook his head. “But, I already have everything I want.”

Ash had the urge to push Eiji. Push him away -- push him down. He wasn’t sure which one he wanted more in that moment. “You’re a fucking sap.”

Just as he had anticipated, the sharp edges of his words cut through the tender moment, and Eiji rolled his eyes, scoffing. Ash was a little sad to see the moment go, but this way gave him room to breathe.

“We should sleep,” Eiji said, already sliding off the edge of his bed and getting up, Ash’s hand still in his own. “We have to be up early tomorrow.”

“Yeah,” Ash got up, turning back to pick up his letter. When Eiji went to walk around him to get into his bed, Ash tugged on his hand. Eiji looked at him, waiting. Ash nodded his head toward the door. “My bed’s bigger.” He said by way of explanation.

Eiji blushed. He looked down at their hands, and then at the door. He picked up his phone, pulling Ash with him, and then went with Ash to his room, catching the light switch as he went.

Ash’s bed was cold when they slipped under the covers, but it quickly warmed. When Ash pressed himself to Eiji’s side, Eiji put his arms around him. Ash thought his heart was beating too hard for sleep, but Eiji’s own heartbeat, the sound of his breathing, and his soothing presence were the best lullaby. They were both soon fast asleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They kiss. _(:3」∠)_
> 
> Also, tfw someone reads something you've written for them right in front of you! No! You're supposed to wait until you're alone, Ash!!!
> 
> Next chapter tomorrow, thanks so much for reading, please let me know what you thought!!! ^^


	3. Spring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ash and Eiji explore a different aspect of their relationship.

“Sachiko-san and Aman are in most of my groups for final projects,” Eiji said, before taking a long drink of water.

“So, you guys are the Three Musketeers again?”

Eiji laughed, part amusement, part surprise. “’Again’? I didn’t know we were in the first place.”

Ash picked the last grains of rice from his bowl, “Totally. You guys did everything together in your prep classes, every story you had included those two.”

Eiji considered this for a moment, Ash might actually be right. “Jealous?” He asked instead, raising his eyebrows.

“Kind of,” Ash replied, gathering their empty plates and bowls and standing up. “It sounds like fun.”

Ash’s back was to Eiji, and he couldn’t see his expression, but he was pretty sure Ash was being serious. Eiji got up and began putting away the already dry dishes in the dish rack so there would be room for the newly washed ones.

“You could always hang out with us, you know.” Eiji said after a moment, looking at Ash from the corner of his eye. “We really just do homework together, but I could ask them to come here more, I just thought we would be in your way. You know, they like you too.” Eiji added, turning to look at Ash now, watching his expression.

Ash ran water over the dishes, then shut it off and began to scrub them. “Sure.” He said.

“’Sure’?” Eiji echoed a little dryly. Ash’s head was down now, his bangs covering most of his face. Eiji leaned forward to look at him. Ash was a light pink.

He shot Eiji a look, and then focused his attention on the dishes again. Sometimes Eiji was taken aback by how cute Ash could be.

“Okay,” Eiji said now, “I’ll invite them over more.” He paused. “They are going to ask you a million questions about America though, just don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

Ash lifted his head a little and Eiji could see he was smiling. “Sure,” he said again. “It’s not like I’m not used to answering questions like that already. All my students want to know if we really eat hamburgers in America all the time.”

Eiji laughed. “How are your students?”

“Brats.” Ash said right away, without any heat, Eiji knew he was fond of his students. “They’re all really smart and cheeky, it’s like – “

“Like looking into a mirror?” Eiji interrupted.

Ash flicked water at him. “Smartass. You’d fit right in.” 

The dishes done, Eiji pulled dessert out from the fridge. Japan’s food market tended to be seasonal, and spring meant cherry blossoms. Eiji had managed to buy two cups of _sakura_ pudding from a local bakery the other day, there were only three left when he got there.

They sat back down at their small breakfast table and ate in silence for a moment, savouring the sweet treat. They had put their _kotatsu_ away a couple months ago - it was where they had most meals during the winter - despite Ash’s mournful sighs. Eiji had scolded him numerous times for falling asleep under it, but Ash never listened. Like a cat sleeping in the sunlight, it was like he couldn’t help it, couldn’t resist its siren song. 

“How’s your sister?”

“You probably talk to her more than I do.”

Ash had taken to his sister right away, like Eiji, she approached Ash fearlessly, and soon they had developed an easy rapport. They listened to a lot of the same music, which was what, Eiji thought, cemented their friendship. Eiji would still complain about his sister sometimes, but he was so pleased they got along. It was a special kind of satisfying to see Ash fit seamlessly into Eiji’s family, into his life, like he belonged there. Eiji still remembered the look Sakura had given him when he showed her pictures of Ash, before he brought him over for a family dinner.

_“You’re dating_ him? _” Sakura said, with an insulting amount of surprise, her eyebrows disappearing behind her bangs. “He’s beautiful! How did you manage that?”_

Ash laughed a little, “She’s funny, she reminds me of you.”

Eiji made a face. “I guess. We are related.”

“It’s not just that,” Ash said, tapping his spoon on his mouth, peering thoughtfully at his pudding cup. “I guess you feel similar.” He shook his head. “That doesn’t make sense, but I don’t know how else to explain it.” He looked back at Eiji, and smiled. Casually, he leaned over and swiped at the corner of Eiji’s mouth with his thumb, Eiji caught sight of a bit of pudding before Ash licked his thumb clean. “There’s this concert she wants me to go to, you have to come too, obviously.”

It would almost be offensive that Sakura was inviting Ash out before she invited Eiji, if Eiji wasn’t so glad to see Ash happy. He had been nervous about meeting Eiji’s family, buying them a ton of gifts, most of which Eiji made him return before they went to their house. Ash had actually tried to style his hair too, standing in front of the mirror in the bathroom for ten minutes before Eiji gently tugged him away.

_“I sent them pictures of you, they know what you look like,” Eiji said, partly amused, but mostly sympathetic._

_“You’re sure they aren’t mad at – me?”_

_Eiji took both of Ash’s hands. “They not mad,” he said as reassuring as he could be. “They’ll love you, like I – like everyone does.” Eiji was glad Ash still seemed too worried to have caught his slip. “Where is that annoying confidence? Aren’t you good at charming people?”_

_“They’re not_ people _, they’re your parents.” Eiji raised his eyebrows. “You know what I mean.”_

_“I do,” Eiji agreed, still soothing. “Just be yourself, it worked for me.”_

“Let me know when it is. What band is it? Is it – ?”

“Yes.” Ash couldn’t seem to get that out quickly enough. His eyes sparkled. Currently he was listening to one band’s discography on repeat.

Eiji shook his head. He loved all the facets of Ash, and this young excited side of him was incredibly endearing.

When they finished their pudding, Ash collected the dishes again. Eiji suspected he was attempting to do more housework in the kitchen to avoid having to clean their bathroom.

“Eiji.”

He looked up. Ash bent swiftly, and kissed him.

Eiji felt surprise for all of one second, and then he felt something else entirely. He wasn’t used to kissing Ash exactly, it still felt new, still made his stomach feel warm and liquid, but he was familiar with it. He knew that if he opened his mouth, Ash would lick into it, his tongue sliding over Eiji’s in a way that felt far better than it had any right to. So, Eiji did, and Ash did, and the kiss made his heart throb.

Whenever they kissed Eiji had a hard time remembering why they ever stopped. Ash tasted sweet, and his mouth was hot, Eiji’s head swam.

After a long moment, Ash pulled away. He straightened, licking his lips like he had just eaten something good, and walked over to the sink. Eiji watched him run the water and wash the dishes while he sat breathing hard.

Ash was like that sometimes. Usually he was so gentle and soft, it made Eiji feel like he was melting. But, sometimes, like just a second ago, Ash would kiss him hard without warning, as if he couldn’t hold it back anymore. In those moments it felt as if they were on the verge of something, but Ash always withdrew, leaving Eiji to feel like he was swaying on the edge of a precipice.

Eiji got up and went to get ready for bed.

Since his unintentional confession months ago, they mostly slept in Ash’s bed. There was almost no difference to how they had been sleeping before, they still pressed against each other, or put their arms around each other, this time without tension, knowing their feelings were accepted.

What had changed were the moments before actual sleep. They would still stay up and talk in the dark stillness of the room. Sometimes things they had been ruminating over would come out in the quiet of the night; it was easier to admit some things in the dark.

Then would come the soft press of their lips. One night Ash had laid half on top of Eiji and kissed all over his face, tracing Eiji’s features with a gentle finger, and told Eiji he was beautiful. It had made Eiji feel like his heart was going to burst, like a firework just before the joyous explosion of colour.

It wasn’t always quiet tender moments either; sometimes it was like they were playing a game. They would have conversations that took place in the spaces between kisses, laughing when they accidentally cut the other off. The game was to get the rhythm right, to give your partner enough time to say the word just before you kissed them again. They were getting very good at it.

This was a kind of happiness Eiji hadn’t even known to wish for.

It seemed incredibly selfish of him to want more.

Done brushing his teeth, Eiji ran his toothbrush under water, rinsing it off. He went into his own room and closed the door behind him. Walking over to the bed he pulled his pyjamas out from under his pillow and began to change.

Eiji didn’t dare do any of the things he sometimes thought about with Ash, fantasized about. Maybe he needed to ask, or just talk about it. Eiji wasn’t sure he would be able to articulate exactly what he wanted, he wasn’t completely sure himself. Eiji just _wanted_.

When he was done changing, Eiji fell back onto his bed, closing his eyes.

Maybe the real issue wasn’t that Eiji didn’t know what to do, or that he didn’t know precisely what to ask for, that had never really stopped anyone sexually inexperienced, but that he didn’t know if everything he thought about would be okay with Ash. He already had so much, how could he possibly ask for more? 

Eiji sighed, and rubbed at his eyes. It was also possible Ash simply wouldn’t want that kind of physical relationship. Eiji didn’t _need_ anything else, and if Ash really didn’t want it, then Eiji was going to respect that. Just kissing Ash was wonderful, touching his soft hair, lying next to him.

He opened his eyes and sighed again, more softly this time. All these feelings made Eiji feel like a young teenage boy. He felt like he should have had a better handle on himself by now, but it was hard to deal with something he didn’t have any experience with.

They definitely needed to talk. Eiji’s reflex sometimes was still to ignore his feelings, he had spent three years getting very good at it, but it was time to break that habit.

Eiji got up, grabbing his textbook from his bag, and went to Ash’s room.

The light was on, but the room was empty. Ash was probably in the bath. His room still didn’t have much in it, mostly because he didn’t have time to collect things the way Eiji had, but when they first moved in, Ash hadn’t bought a single decorative thing for his room. His closet was on the other side of the bed, he had a small night table with a plain, grey metallic lamp, and a bookshelf wedged between the night table and the closet. It was only a couple of months ago that Ash added a small decoration. In the corner of the topmost shelf in his bookcase was a picture frame, and there a grinning Shorter looked back at them. Ash explained that Sing had emailed it, and Ash had it printed. 

After that, Ash collected other small things, knickknacks, pointless, and purely decorative. A physical sign of Ash’s decision to stay, to make this his home. Eiji was fond of every little thing he brought back.

Eiji slid into the bed, and arranged the pillows behind him to sit up. Ash’s bed was pushed against the wall on the left side of his room, and that’s where Eiji slept. Ash, having a better sense of balance, and quicker reflexes, slept on the edge, those were the reasons Ash had given Eiji for sleeping there, anyway.

Propping the textbook up on his lap, Eiji began to read. 

Some time later Ash came into the room. He closed the door behind him and walked over to the bed. When Eiji glanced up at him, Ash’s back was to him, he was throwing his clothes into the laundry basket, so Eiji went back to reading.

Ash climbed in beside him, hardly jostling the bed, and sat up next to Eiji.

“What are you reading?” Ash asked.

“Japanese history,” said Eiji without looking away from the text. “Warring States Era.”

“Sounds interesting.”

“Mm.”

It _was_ interesting, Eiji had never studied it in as much detail as he was doing now. A beat of silence.

“When is the reading due?”

“On Thursday.”

Eiji felt more than saw Ash nod. Ash shifted slightly, and picked up his phone, there was silence for a moment, then Eiji felt him put the phone back down, heard the soft clatter of it being placed on the bedside table. Another brief pause.

“Lend it to me when you’re done.”

“Okay.” Eiji didn’t mention that there were definitely kanji in there that would trip Ash up, he just kept reading.

Ash tugged on a lock of Eiji’s hair, “Eiji.” He said.

Finally, Eiji looked at him. It occurred to him then that Ash had been trying to get his attention this whole time. Despite the fact that Eiji really was interested in his reading, he was interested in Ash too, so he closed the textbook, wedging it between the bed and the wall to read later, and turned to Ash, partly exasperated, mostly amused.

“Yes?”

“You have something here,” said Ash reaching over to the other side of Eiji’s head to pluck imaginary fluff from Eiji’s hair, flicking it away and running his fingers through Eiji’s bangs. “All gone.”

“Thank you,” Eiji said, amused and happy that he could see Ash’s pretence for what it was, an excuse to touch him.

It was not a surprise when Ash’s gaze flicked to Eiji’s mouth, and Eiji realized then that he was already leaning in. 

When Ash did kiss him it was nothing like the kiss from the kitchen. It was slow, and so, so _soft_. If he wanted to, all Eiji needed to do was press forward a little to apply more pressure, but he didn’t. He wanted to revel in this for as long as he could.

So, it was Ash who deepened the kiss. Sliding his fingers into Eiji’s hair, he cradled the back of Eiji’s head, angling his own and slipping his tongue into Eiji’s mouth.

The very first time Ash did that, years ago, Eiji had been caught between astonishment and desire. He felt the former so strongly he couldn’t make himself move, and right when he began to kiss back, he felt the pill Ash had put into his mouth. He hadn’t let himself examine the disappointment that welled up in him later.

Now, he didn’t feel surprise at all, but he did feel desire. Kissing Ash made Eiji feel warm all over.

What did catch Eiji by surprise was Ash’s hand, the one not in his hair, it was slowly gliding up under his shirt. Fingers on bare skin, Eiji made a small sound of surprise. For one lovely moment, Eiji let himself be touched, and then he carefully withdrew.

“What is it?” Ash asked quietly, when Eiji pulled back, they were mere inches from each other.

They had to talk. “Just,” Eiji began, still not sure what to say even though he had already begun speaking, “is this okay?”

“’This’? Kissing?”

“No, not - I mean, ah – “ Eiji could feel himself blush. “Touching, and – “ he gestured vaguely, trying to think of a good euphemism. 

Ash, possibly as an act of mercy, or simply because he was tired of waiting, said bluntly. “Sex?”

Eiji felt his ears burn. Ash’s ability to just say things was a blessing and a curse. Eiji nodded.

Ash sighed a little, looking away. He seemed to consider his answer. “I don’t know,” he replied, honestly. “This is new for me too, but,” Eiji saw the faintest hint of colour on his face, “I want to try.”

“You don’t have to push yourself.”

“You think I am?” Ash raised his eyebrows, and then he leaned in, and deliberately kissed Eiji. “I’m not.”

It wasn’t that Eiji thought Ash would lie, but it almost seemed like too much to have this too. Could he - they - really have this?

“You promise you will only do what you actually want to do? And, to tell me if you don’t like something?”

Ash was smiling, just a little; he looked incredibly fond. “I promise if you do.”

“I promise.”

“Then, so do I.”

They looked at each other for a moment, both smiling a little. When Ash moved to kiss him again, Eiji began to laugh. Ash paused, Eiji looked away, trying not to giggle.

“What’s so funny?” 

Eiji glanced back up. “I don’t know.” 

That wasn’t entirely true. It was nervous excited laughter. It suddenly seemed funny to Eiji that Ash was really going to kiss him. Eiji leaned forward, he was still smiling, and could feel laughter bubble up in his chest. Ash made a soft sound of annoyance, and his hands were under Eiji’s shirt again, this time running along his ribs, he was tickling Eiji.

Eiji laughed out loud, breaking away from the kiss as Ash tickled him.

“I can’t believe,” Ash said, and he was laughing now too, “you ruined the moment like that.”

“S-sorry,” Eiji managed, breathless with laughter. Eiji had begun to slide down the wall, Ash sliding down with him, relentless with his attack, and Eiji only made token efforts to stop him. 

A moment later, “Stop, stop!” Eiji cried, laughingly.

Ash did, and Eiji realized he was looking up at him. Eiji had slid down so his head was against the pillows, and Ash was leaning over him.

“Klutz.” Ash said clearly.

“That doesn’t make sense here,” Eiji retorted, completely unoffended.

Ash didn’t say anything, just looked down, and Eiji realized his shirt had rucked up. It was up fairly high, the hem at the middle of his chest. Glancing back at him, Ash put out his hand, and then ran calloused fingers softly up.

It didn’t tickle this time, and Eiji shivered.

Ash leaned down to kiss him, Eiji didn’t laugh, he kissed Ash back.

Ash traced lines into Eiji’s skin, gliding up from his abdomen to the bottom of his chest; Eiji slipped his own hands under Ash’s shirt.

What had been so funny to Eiji before wasn’t anymore. There was nothing funny about things now, not when Ash ran his thumb over Eiji’s nipple making him gasp.

Ash’s fingers glided softly along his skin, and his mouth moved down from Eiji’s. He felt the incredible sensation of Ash’s tongue on the sensitive skin of his neck. 

Feeling bold, Ash’s touch like fire fuelling him, Eiji drew his own hand around, and then down. Just the briefest touch, asking, finally, for something he had been thinking about for months.

Ash moaned, breaking the kiss, the sound rang in Eiji’s ears, and made heat run straight through him. Ash pulled back a little to look at Eiji, his beautiful green eyes dark.

“Is that what you want?”

“Yes.” Somehow, it was less embarrassing to talk about it now, the affirmation left Eiji’s mouth without hesitation, like it had been waiting.

Without looking away, Ash kissed him, his eyes half lidded. He drew his touch downward, slipping his hand under the waistband of Eiji’s pants. Eiji gasped loudly feeling desire hit him all at once. Ash kept kissing him, as he took Eiji firmly in hand.

It became difficult to think then, all his body wanted was more, more of Ash’s wonderfully skilled hand, his hot kisses, but he wanted to touch too.

Eiji had been touching Ash through the material of his pyjamas, now he wasn’t, and Ash made a noise in the back of his throat. Eiji hadn’t counted on how good this too would feel, Ash in his hand, the hard softness of him, and the feel of his body curving into the touch.

There was no warning when Ash suddenly broke the kiss, and let go, his hand instead going to Eiji’s wrist, stopping him. He didn’t grab at Eiji, it was just a touch to his wrist, but Eiji immediately stopped, letting go and withdrawing his hand.

“Stop,” Ash said, so softly Eiji wouldn’t have caught it if they weren’t so close together.

“Are you okay?” Eiji was breathing hard, his body was aching, but he pushed that all aside, it didn’t matter right now.

Ash was breathing hard too; he had turned his face away, his hair obscuring his expression. After a short moment that felt long as Eiji tried to be patient, Ash spoke. “I’m okay, just,” he paused. “I wasn’t expecting to feel – “ he shook his head, and finally turned back to look at Eiji. His expression almost broke Eiji’s heart. He looked apologetic, and almost – was he afraid? Eiji noticed how tense his shoulders were.

“Ash.” Eiji reached out, gently pushing Ash’s hair back, watching it fall into place again. “Thank you for keeping your promise.”

He watched Ash’s expression change. Eiji was almost sure it had been fear on his face, but that was gone now, although the remorse lingered. He looked at Eiji with soft eyes. Then, leaned his forehead against Eiji’s, closing his eyes. They breathed together for a moment, slowing down their racing hearts.

When Ash finally drew back, he began to sit up. Eiji did too, ready to visit the washroom and finish this himself. Ash was sitting against the wall, he picked up one of the pillows after Eiji got up off of them, put it on his lap, and then opened his legs. He patted the space between them, “Come here,” he said.

Eiji stared at him for a moment not comprehending. Ash raised his eyebrows and patted the mattress more firmly. Eiji felt himself flush. He moved, a little haltingly, and kneeled between Ash’s knees. It wasn’t that he didn’t know where this was going, it was more that he had already made peace with this being the end. Eiji hadn’t counted on anything else happening, he was a little taken aback. 

“Turn around, dummy.”

That only made Eiji flush harder. He looked at Ash, and something on his face made Ash lose the archness in his own expression.

“I don’t think I can right now, but for you – “ He broke off, biting in the inside of his cheek, then said, “I just want to try, you don’t have to.”

Eiji hesitated, and then carefully sat, a little awkwardly, his back against Ash’s chest.

“You want to try,” Eiji repeated, not quite a question, his own voice sounded strange to him.

“Yes.” Ash put his hands lightly on Eiji’s shoulders, “Relax. If you don’t like something, tell me, okay?”

Eiji nodded dumbly. This position made him more self-conscious, but he was willing to give it a shot.

Ash rubbed Eiji’s arms soothingly, then nuzzled his neck, his breath tickling Eiji’s ear, and then his lips softly grazed Eiji’s skin. Eiji shivered pleasantly and tilted his head.

It was intoxicating to know all of Ash’s attention was on him, feel his warm mouth trail wet kisses along Eiji’s neck, his hands touching Eiji’s skin, pushing clothing aside. Eiji didn’t know what to do with his own hands, he finally settled for lifting them up, grabbing hold of the material of Ash’s shirt at his shoulders.

This wasn’t one of the things he had thought about doing. Again, this wasn’t something Eiji had even known to ask for. It was just like Ash to give Eiji not what he asked for, but something he hadn’t even realized he wanted.

Sweet touches slowly rid Eiji of his unease; he was being gently, reverently explored. He was breathing hard again, finding it more and more difficult to keep biting his lip through what Ash was doing. And, when he tugged on the waistband of Eiji’s pants, Eiji lifted his hips without thinking, letting Ash slide them down.

Eiji couldn’t help the moan that escaped him as heat enveloped him again. Ash worked slowly, he took his time making Eiji fall apart. He bit Eiji at the same time he pressed his thumb to the head, and Eiji’s hips jerked up, he made a noise like a whimper. It would have been embarrassing if there were any part of Eiji that wasn’t caught up in sensation left to care.

Suddenly, Eiji was almost overcome with the urge to touch Ash too. He lifted one hand and tangled it Ash’s hair. “Ash,” he said breathlessly, and it sounded like a plea.

Ash lifted his head, they had only a second to look at each other, and then Eiji was kissing him. Ash’s hand kept moving, skilfully drawing the moment out, but it wouldn’t be for much longer.

A wonderful pressure was mounting in Eiji, and he had the inexplicable urge to say something to Ash. He didn’t know what. But, the feelings in his heart were welling so big, he had to do something with them, express them, or he might really fall apart. Eiji wanted to tell Ash how he made Eiji feel, he wanted to tell Ash how _good_ this was, he wanted Ash to know how important he was, how much he meant to Eiji. When he opened his mouth to say this, all that came out was, “ _Ash_.”

Both of his hands were on Eiji now, one on the length of him, the other lower, and seconds later he was coming. He made a choked sound, breaking away from the kiss, his head turning as his back arched.

It was so intensely different - _better_ \- than any other time he had orgasmed that it caught Eiji by surprise. His body felt spent, but his heart still felt too full, it was almost physically painful how much he loved Ash in that moment. 

Breathing hard, Eiji slumped back. He was vaguely aware of the fact that Ash’s chest rose and fell heavily too. Just as he thought that, he felt Ash kiss him, a soft affectionate kiss to his cheek, and then felt his body stretch to the side. Ash had grabbed tissues, and was now cleaning them up.

His brain still fuzzy from orgasm, Eiji didn’t complain or feel any shyness when Ash carefully cleaned him off. Ash kissed his cheek again, pressing his lips to Eiji longer, and a little harder. When he drew back Eiji finally moved, turning his head to look at Ash. Ash was looking at Eiji with an expression he’d never seen before.

“What?” Eiji asked, still not thinking properly.

Ash bent his head and kissed him, long and slow. When he drew back, Ash said, “I like you.” It sounded like he was saying something else.

Eiji felt a pleasant heat travel up his spine. “I like you too.” It came out very quiet. He meant something else too.

They kissed again.

Breaking apart, Eiji scooted up the bed, somewhat awkwardly fixing his pyjamas, some of the embarrassment that had been kept at bay this whole time creeping in. Ash had gotten up, and was walking to the door. Without turning to look at Eiji he said, “I’ll go get some water.”

“Okay.”

Eiji bit his lip and got up too, then turned back to the bed. He straightened it out a little, and then climbed back in. Ash took much longer than was necessary to get a glass of water, but when he came back neither of them mentioned it. Eiji accepted the water gratefully, and drank while Ash made himself comfortable next to him. The glass empty, they both moved to lie down.

The lamp on the bedside table was off now, and the room was dark. They lay on their backs, arms touching. Neither of them said anything for a long moment. 

It was almost strange to lie quietly together like they had before. Eiji wasn’t exactly self conscious, but it felt like he should be, he thought he would be the first time he did anything like this, but he was surprisingly relaxed about it. He was and he wasn’t worried at the same time, he was worried that Ash would be okay, but he wasn’t worried about Ash’s reactions or thoughts about Eiji. He trusted Ash with his whole self. 

Finally, Eiji spoke. “Do you want to talk about it?”

He heard Ash exhale. “It’s – “ he started, stopped, and tried again. “I – when you touched me, it felt good.”

Hearing that, Eiji felt like he had just had something warm to drink, it filled his stomach pleasantly, and then he tensed a little, waiting for the ‘but.’

“But,” Ash continued, “It also made me feel – I don’t know, out of control, I guess.” Another quiet breath. “I liked touching you though, what about you?”

Ash had liked it. Eiji, who had been looking up at the ceiling, lowered his gaze shyly. “I liked it too, both.” Some things were easier to say in the dark.

“For now, can I – we – keep doing this?”

Eiji turned his head to look at him; Ash was already looking back. “You want to?” Ash nodded. Just like that he dispelled one of Eiji’s fears, “Okay,” Eiji said.

* * *

Weeks passed. As promised, Eiji brought his friends over to study. And, as he predicted, they bombarded Ash with questions. There was a certain way people, especially Japanese people who weren’t used to seeing someone with Ash’s looks, gazed at him. It had almost made Eiji jealous at first, but that quickly vanished, because Ash didn’t really respond to it, and it wasn’t like he could stop them from looking anyway.

Sometimes when Eiji’s friends were over, they would shoot Eiji knowing smiles whenever Ash’s back was turned. It reinforced Eiji’s feeling of being a teenager still, but he endured it with as much equanimity as he could, dating someone so attractive was hard sometimes.

Ash was as good as his word too. Most nights culminated in Eiji melting under Ash’s ministrations. He was starting to get conditioned; Eiji realized with some discomfiture, there was a very particular kind of anticipation in him when they settled into bed. One night two weeks later, when Ash made no advances, Eiji kissed him and took Ash’s hand, slipping it under Eiji’s shirt. He felt Ash smile into the kiss, and he pushed Eiji, who had been lying on his side, onto his back, getting on top of him. That was the first time he had coaxed Eiji completely out of his clothes. Eiji’s fingers hurt later from how tightly he had been clenching his fists. 

Every time they did this, Eiji would ask Ash if it was okay to touch him too. Ash always shook his head, and Eiji didn’t press. At times he almost wanted to ask again, ‘Are you sure?’ but didn’t. It felt like unnecessary pressure, too much attention drawn to the fact that Ash was working through something. And, part of it was simply Eiji’s persistent manners. It felt selfish of him to get without giving in return, but this wasn’t like exchanging gifts at Christmas, this was Ash’s own comfort, his own body. If Ash said, ‘No,’ then, it was no. 

Of course, part of it too was that Eiji really wanted to touch Ash back. What would Ash’s voice sound like when he felt good? What kind of expression would he make? Would he grip Eiji’s shirt, dig his fingers into Eiji’s skin so hard his fingers hurt too? As satisfying as it was to have Ash’s attention, Eiji really wished he could give it back, not out of a sense of obligation, but because he _wanted_ to.

* * *

“There’s going to be a storm in a few days, and that’ll probably get rid of most of the cherry blossoms.”

“Damn,” Eiji muttered, looking through the calendar on his phone. He had promised Ash they would go cherry blossom viewing, had made a pretty big deal out of it, actually. It was already late into spring; the time had gone by before Eiji could really register it. “The day after tomorrow!” Eiji cried triumphantly, finding a time he could move things around. He glanced up at Ash who was looking at him a little startled by his outburst. “Let’s go then.”

Ash smiled slowly. “Okay.”

It was the same day as the storm Ash had mentioned, but it was supposed to take place in the evening, so if they went during the afternoon, they should still have time to properly enjoy the cherry blossoms before it turned grey and stormy.

Eiji got up early that morning to make their lunch. Ash wandered into the kitchen while Eiji was cooking, eyes still half closed and leaned his forehead on Eiji’s shoulder, putting his arms around Eiji’s middle.

“What’s that?” Ash’s voice raspy and low in Eiji’s ear.

Eiji ignored the way his body was reacting to Ash. “A cicada.”

A short pause, and then Eiji felt Ash’s laughter; it was smothered into Eiji’s shoulder. “I’m not six, you don’t have to do all that cute stuff to make me eat fruits and vegetables.”

That hadn’t been Eiji’s intention at all. He flushed a little, “Fine then.”

“No, wait,” Ash caught his wrist as Eiji was putting down the knife and apple in a huff. “You can keep going.”

“Oh, do I have your permission?” Eiji asked sarcastically.

Ash let go of him; he walked over to the sink and washed his hands, then came back. He looked awake and alert now. “Teach me.”

Eiji gave him a look, and still a little sore said, “I thought you didn’t need this, since you are _so_ grown up.”

“Sorry, sorry.” He said, not sounding sorry at all. Sometimes Ash could get right under Eiji’s skin. He picked up another knife and an apple slice. “Do I peel it first?”

Giving him another look, Eiji said, “Here, watch me.”

Together they finished the rest. Ash wasn’t bad, but he still had a hard time with the _tamago_ , it came out a bit lumpy, and a little burnt, but Eiji found that strangely endearing. Ash’s determined expression while he worked was cute; it was rare to see him struggle with anything that involved fine motor skills. It was funny really; Ash was normally very good with his hands. 

That thought made Eiji blush. _I just meant,_ he thought, trying to justify it to himself, _Ash is very handsy –_ handy _!_

“Are you okay? You look a little red.”

“I’m fine,” Eiji said, turning away and pouring himself some water.

When all the food was ready and packed they got changed. Ash was wearing a shirt with English words on it. It was forest green with white elegant script on the front. It said, ‘All of love.’ Eiji couldn’t decide if that was the intended message or not. Over it Ash wore a light blue jean jacket, and finished the look with deep blue denim pants. Jeans on jeans, like Ash was a protagonist from an 80’s drama.

“What?” Demanded Ash, when he caught Eiji’s smile. “What?”

Eiji tried not to laugh. “Nothing. Do you have an earring you want to wear with that outfit, maybe?”

“Shut up.”

Now Eiji did laugh, Ash shoved his shoulder.

They made their way to the bus stop, bickering the whole way there, only quieting when they got on the bus.

When they arrived at the park Eiji remembered what a big deal _hanami_ was. There were a lot of people already there. Everyone had little mats, like the one Ash was carrying for them, spread out on the ground. Some spaces had only one person, staking a claim over a section, no doubt holding it in wait for the rest of their party. After a moment of looking, Ash spotted an empty space. They hurried over and put their own mat down. This spot wasn’t quite in the thick of the trees, but they were in partial shade, and it was a bit less crowded, which was nice.

There were a lot of young families out, a lot of elderly couples too. While Ash looked around, taking everything in, Eiji was looking at Ash.

This was one of the things Eiji had imagined sharing with Ash back when they were in New York. The soft beauty of the _sakura_ , the collective enjoyment everyone took in just looking at them, and the comfort in knowing they were completely safe. It was such a normal part of Eiji’s life, of his culture and his upbringing, but he knew it would be novel for Ash, and he had thought about sharing a lot of these kinds of things with him. Ash had shared so much of his own world with Eiji, and Eiji just wanted to do the same. He wanted to bring Ash into the peace Eiji had known his whole life, wrap him tightly in it, press it close like a second skin, protecting Ash from the violence of his past.

In that moment Eiji felt suddenly and profoundly grateful that they could have this. That Ash could look about him freely, his eyes sparkling, a quiet, almost childish delight lighting up his face, and Eiji was the one who could share this moment with him.

_How did you manage that?_ Sakura’s voice in Eiji’s head. How had he managed to get and keep the affections of someone like Ash? Eiji didn’t have a good answer for her then, and he didn’t have one now. But, that hardly seemed like the point anymore; the point was he did. Eiji was done second-guessing it; he just wanted to be worthy of Ash.

Ash turned and smiled at him brightly. 

“What now?”

Eiji smiled too. “What do you want to do? Are you hungry?”

“Not yet,” Ash rummaged in the bag he had brought and produced a book. It was a short novel Eiji had read in elementary school. “Read to me?”

Eiji took the book. He began to read as Ash made himself comfortable. There wasn’t room for him to lie down, even though Eiji could tell he had considered it. Instead he sat at an angle, his back almost to Eiji, his feet at the corner of the mat, and reclined on his hands. Ash blinked slowly as he listened to Eiji read.

“Wait, what was that word?”

Eiji repeated the phrase.

“Does that mean - is the joke it sounds like ‘moon’?”

“Yes,” Eiji replied, quietly proud, Ash was developing a good ear for Japanese. “Do you want to try reading some?”

Ash glanced over, “Sure,” he said.

His reading wasn’t as smooth, Eiji had to help him at some parts, but it was surprisingly good for someone who hadn’t even been studying a year.

The sun shone comfortably warm, though the wind that blew every now and again was cool. It shook the trees and made soft pink petals fall slowly a little at a time. Eiji closed his eyes and tilted his face up to the sun.

While Ash was reading, a small paper airplane landed on his right knee, Eiji felt the impact too and looked down. Ash glanced up, and a child of about four ran over to him. They glanced at the airplane, and then at Ash, they hesitated. Ash put the book down and picked up the plane, he held it out with both hands, gently proffering it.

“ _Dozo_ ,” he said, smiling kindly.

The child blushed, and without looking away from Ash, reached out and took the plane. They hesitated again before leaving, bowing clumsily, and then running off. Ash smiled fondly after them.

Then they ate, unpacking the lunch they had made that morning. Eiji looked affectionately at the lumpy rolled egg Ash had made; it actually tasted pretty good. Ash picked up the carrots cut to resemble _sakura_ and shook his head.

“It’s so much effort,” Ash said around his food, “but it is kinda nice.”

As they ate they looked around. There were more people now; everyone seemed to be in their own special world, a world contained in the space of their mats.

A strong gust of wind suddenly blew, it shook the petals of the flowers from the trees, and showered them all with light pink. Everyone paused to watch the petals fall; delighted cries came from all over.

“That,” Ash said simply, but with feeling, “is beautiful.”

And, it was. For a moment the world was painted in softest pink. The small petals would then collect in the streams, in the drain when it rained, and colour the streets.

As Eiji thought this, a cloud passed over the sun. Suddenly losing the light made him look up, a big, dark grey cloud blocked the sun; it threatened rain at any second.

“Ash, I think we should – “ The sound of thunder interrupted him.

Ash looked up too. “Shit.” 

They packed their things up in a hurry, everyone else in the park doing the same. Children were snatched up along with belongings and people made their way quickly to their homes.

Despite their swiftness, Ash and Eiji still got caught in the rain when they were at their bus stop. They were only there for about two minutes, but the rain wasn’t light, and they were considerably wet when they got on the bus.

Walking from the bus stop to their apartment was another three minutes, they ran, rain splattering their clothes, and faces. Ash began laughing, his bangs getting in his eyes, and then Eiji laughed too. By the time they entered their building they were soaked. Their hands full with their things they tossed their heads somewhat ineffectively trying to get the hair out of their faces, sometimes it did swing away, and then just fell back. Ash tried blowing his bangs out of his eyes, and he managed to lift it for one second, and then it fell wetly back into place. Eiji laughed.

At the entrance of their apartment, both young men peeled off their socks along with their shoes, they had run right through puddles in their haste to get home, and their socks were completely wet.

“I’ll go heat the bath,” Eiji said, Ash nodded, and he went.

Eiji left his socks to dry on the edge of the laundry hamper in the bathroom, and turned on the heater for the water. He meant to go back to his own room, change into something dry while he waited for the water to warm, but the door to Ash’s room was open, and he went there instead.

Ash’s back was to him, and he was pulling his damp shirt off. The skin of Ash’s back was crisscrossed with scars; pale, raised white lines that made Eiji wish he had magic powers. He wished he could just reach out and wave his hand, taking all the things that had hurt Ash from his body, from his heart, and soul.

Ash must have sensed his presence, because he turned, carelessly tossing the shirt onto his bed.

“You’ll get the bed wet.” Eiji said.

“Maybe the blanket, a little.” Ash shrugged.

Distracted by all his bare skin, Eiji finally managed to drag his gaze up, and then huffed a laugh. “Your hair looks funny.”

“Your face looks funny.”

“Hey!”

Ash walked over to him and put his fingers in Eiji’s hair, shaking it out.

“ _Hey_!”

Ash laughed. Eiji pushed away his hands, about to retaliate, but Ash grabbed them when Eiji lifted them. His hold was firm, and when Eiji tested it, he tightened his grip. Eiji gave him a flat look. “That’s not fair.”

“What is?” Ash asked innocently.

Eiji backed up, trying to wriggle his hands free. He did it, but the second he put his hands up again, Ash caught him, effortlessly. They played like this until Eiji accidentally smacked Ash in the side when he pulled his hand free, the look of surprise on his face made Eiji laugh, and when he took another step back it was Eiji’s turn to be surprised. His back hit the wall; he hadn’t realized he had backed up that much.

“You _hit_ me,” Ash accused, holding Eiji’s hands, threading his fingers through Eiji’s.

Eiji laughed again, rolling his eyes at Ash’s mock wounded tone. “Not on purpose.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“What? Do you need me to kiss it better?” Eiji meant it to sound taunting, he was joking, but the quality of Ash’s smile changed.

“Yeah,” Ash said again, and kissed him.

Ash’s kisses were familiar, but Eiji wasn’t used to them. That was still true. They still sent a little thrill through him, and his newly conditioned body was heating up, already tensing in excitement for the inevitable touch. Ash pressed Eiji’s hands to the wall up by his head, and that was thrilling too.

After a long moment, Ash let his hands go, tracing them down Eiji’s body instead. When Ash’s hand was pressed to the skin of Eiji’s stomach, Eiji pulled away from the kiss.

“Can I – is it alright if I – touch you?”

To Eiji’s utter delight, Ash gave him a different answer from usual. “Yes.” He said.

Eiji didn’t even try to hide his surprise; he stared at Ash hoping he hadn’t somehow misheard him. “Yes?” He repeated, he had to make sure.

“You don’t have to look like that,” Ash said, pinching Eiji’s cheek. He was blushing, Eiji realized. “Well?” Ash prompted, when Eiji didn’t move.

“You still promise?”

“Yeah, I promise.”

“Good.”

He meant to take his time getting there, but Eiji was so glad to have this permission he ended up moving much faster than intended. He was touching Ash again. Ash had one hand on Eiji’s hip, the other was braced against the wall, his eyes were closed, and his brow furrowed as Eiji squeezed lightly. He did what felt good for him, and tried to gage Ash’s enjoyment from his expression, the way his breathing changed, and the soft sounds he made.

Eiji’s own breath was coming in short; touching Ash was better than he imagined. When he moved just a little bit faster, Ash stopped him.

“Wait, I – wait.”

Eiji immediately stopped, taking his hand back. He felt a bit cold; worried he had gone too far.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, just – “ Ash exhaled slowly. “No. Maybe. I don’t know.” Ash stepped back and ran an agitated hand through his hair.

“If you don’t want to– “ Eiji began.

“You think I don’t want to?” Ash’s green eyes blazed. “God, Eiji. I _want_ to. I keep thinking about it, I – “ He looked away, colour suffusing his face. “I feel like I’m going crazy.” 

That was exactly how Eiji felt. It was a relief to know Ash felt the same way, even though he wished he didn’t, because it was clearly troubling him.

“What can I do? What will help?”

“I don’t know,” Ash scrubbed at his hair again, this time half turning. He paused when he saw the bed, and then stepped over to it. He tossed the still damp clothing he had dumped unceremoniously there earlier, onto the floor.

“Will you – ?“

He didn’t need to finish the question; Eiji was already walking forward.

“Your clothes are wet.” Ash tugged on Eiji’s shirt, and Eiji let him take it off. His pants were next. Eiji shivered a little.

Ash sat on the bed, and then carefully laid down. Eiji sat next to him, and looked down at his still troubled expression.

“What should I do?”

Ash swallowed. He looked at Eiji imploringly. “Go slow.”

Eiji leaned down to kiss him, and then he did as he was asked.

It was similar to the first time they did something like this, except it was Ash who was being lovingly explored.

As slow as he could manage, as soft and gentle, Eiji touched Ash all over. Ash watched him, steadily breathing harder, occasionally pulling Eiji over to kiss him, and then letting him continue. He made a wonderful noise when Eiji’s mouth trailed wetly from the middle of Ash’s chest to one of his nipples. 

Ash helped him pull his own jeans down, now completely undressed, and then Eiji touched him again, slowly, then slower. It was obviously working for him, because Ash was very decidedly hard.

There were so many feelings welling in Eiji at that moment. There was desire, of course, but more than that, there was joy, and an acute sense of privilege. Eiji didn’t need to be told he was being given something special, Eiji knew he was being given more than the chance to touch Ash’s body, he was being given Ash’s trust, his heart.

When Eiji was little, his mother had taken him to a shrine to pray. She had been pregnant with his sister, it was the first memory he had visiting a shrine. He remembered tipping his head back, and back to look at the shrine gates. He remembered standing small and vulnerable next to the statues of furiously powerful gods. There was a profound sense of awe in Eiji at that moment, a deep gratitude that these gods, who could so easily extend their hands and crush him, instead accepted him.

What Eiji was feeling in that moment was not unlike that time. Ash, who could have very easily shut him out, or never even looked his way, was instead welcoming him.

They kissed again and again. When Eiji circled his thumb around the tip, spreading the wetness there, Ash made a noise in the back of his throat. He broke the kiss to look at Eiji. There was no way to describe how incredibly intimate that moment was, their eyes on each other, everything felt magnified tenfold. There was so much communicated between them then, and though they had never said it, Eiji could see it there in Ash’s eyes. He felt it overflowing in his heart, as he knew Ash had heard it between every word in the letter he had written him, seen it on Eiji’s face when he had looked up after reading it. Now it was alive in their bodies, just under the surface of their skin.

Eiji looked at Ash. His damp messy hair, dark eyes, and pale flushed skin. Watching pleasure steadily overtake him was the single most erotic thing Eiji had ever experienced. He was filled with pleasure too, it was easier than he thought it might be to push that aside and focus on Ash.

Ash’s mouth opened in a silent cry, and he closed his eyes, pressing his head back into the pillow. He was flushed all the way down to his chest, and Eiji repeated the motion that seemed to have caused this reaction, surprised, and deeply pleased when Ash let go of the sheets to grip Eiji’s back instead.

Slowly. Then, slower.

Ash’s kisses were becoming uncoordinated, frantic. “Ei – ji – “ he got out, brokenly. And, then his back arched, and the coiling tension in him shook itself free. In that moment Ash was sublime.

It was almost breaking Eiji’s heart to look at him; it was strange the way happiness seemed to hurt too.

Eiji’s was breathing hard, in a way this was almost better than feeling all that himself. He understood now what Ash must have been feeling every time he brought Eiji to climax. It was the joy of giving, pleasure in his partner’s pleasure.

He watched Ash’s chest rise and fall, his eyes still closed, and his head turned away. Eiji gave him time. He stretched out to grab a tissue, and gently cleaned them both off. When he was done, Ash turned to look at him. His eyes were luminous.

“Okay?” Eiji asked.

Ash swallowed. He exhaled a little shakily, and closed his eyes again.

Eiji hesitated. “Ash?”

But, Ash didn’t say anything, just reached out blindly, and pulled Eiji down. Surprised, but more than willing, Eiji slid his hands under and around Ash’s back to hold him tightly in return. He felt Ash press his face into the space between Eiji’s neck and shoulder, felt his hot breath there, and held him.

They stayed like that for a long moment, Eiji occasionally kissing Ash’s hair, feeling Ash’s heartbeat next to his. Their breathing slowed, they were both quiet.

Finally, Ash loosened his grip and pulled back. He kissed Eiji very gently.

“What about you?” Ash said.

For a second Eiji didn’t understand what he was talking about. And then Ash raised his eyebrows, the hint of a smirk twisting the corner of his mouth up. Absurdly, Eiji felt himself blush.

“Oh, ah, I – I’m – “

Ash laughed. He let go of Eiji completely and fell back onto his pillow laughing. His whole being seemed to alter when he laughed, Eiji never got tired of seeing this bit of transformative magic.

Sparkling green eyes gazed up at him, and then Ash was up, pushing Eiji onto his back. Eiji didn’t resist, too caught up in Ash’s expression.

“Here,” Ash said, “it’s your turn.”

Sooner than Eiji would have liked, almost embarrassingly soon, Eiji lay trembling from the aftershock. Ash didn’t tease him about it, like Eiji thought he might, instead he kissed very high on Eiji’s cheek, making him reflexively close his eye.

“Do you think the bath water’s still warm?” Ash asked.

Eiji had forgotten about the bath completely.

Pulling their underwear back on they both wandered over to the bathroom. They had to heat the water again, but it was still warm, and it was done quickly.

Months ago Eiji had offered to bathe with Ash, not realizing that offer would fluster him, and completely surprised when it did. Now his offer was accepted, and Eiji sat on the lip of the tub while Ash sat in front of him on the low stool they kept in the bathroom, and Eiji carefully washed his hair. Working the shampoo into lather, feeling the tension slowly leave Ash’s shoulders, it was a luxury, there was so much delight in caring for someone else.

They didn’t really speak, apart from the occasional inquiry into each other’s comfort; they helped the other bathe. Another, wonderful form of intimacy.

Rinsing off, they got in the bath. It was definitely not meant to accommodate two grown men. Water splashed out when Ash sat between Eiji’s legs, leaning back against his chest. It was cramped, and kind of perfect.

After a long moment where they both seemed to be deep in thought, Eiji asked, “Was it really okay?” Quietly.

Ash didn’t reply right away. He lifted a hand to comb through his already slicked back bangs, dripping water.

“It wasn’t,” he said. “It was way better than okay.”

Eiji, torn between gladness and annoyance, knowing Ash had said it like that on purpose, punched Ash’s shoulder lightly. Ash huffed out a laugh. He leaned his head back against Eiji’s shoulder, sinking down, Ash’s knees rising higher up out of the water. He looked up at Eiji, and Eiji looked down at him.

“Sometimes,” Ash said, his voice soft, “it makes me remember – other times. Even if I’m not thinking about it, it’s almost like muscle memory. Like a reflex. It scares me.” He added, a vulnerable confession. A short pause followed in which Eiji’s heart ached, “But, this time I – “ Ash turned a very faint pink, “I felt – you.”

Eiji felt his heart twist, this time in the other direction. He gently cupped Ash’s cheek, felt him lean up, correctly interpreting Eiji’s intent, and kissed him, so softly.

“I’m glad.”


	4. Summer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summer festival!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ART!!! At the very end is some truly gorgeous art by [Silverdraeconis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silverdraeconis) that inspired this whole thing! I love, please check out her other stuff!!!
> 
> This has been such a ride, ahhhh!!! I hope everyone enjoys summer! It's my favourite season =) Also, it does get very nsfw, just sayin'.
> 
> Please enjoy the last chapter!

It was hot. The windows were open in a vain attempt to cool down the apartment. But, all that happened was more heat came in, warm air blew through the room and gently ruffled Ash’s hair. The AC was broken, so this was his life.

He was lying on the floor in the living room, a pillow under his head and a book held open over his face. Ash worked tutoring children in English, but today he was off. Another gust of hot air blew over him and Ash grimaced. He closed the book and then put it down, he thought about undressing, jeans were a mistake, clearly. But, the heat made him lethargic, and so he just lay there thinking about changing his clothes instead of actually doing it.

It was an incredible luxury to be able to do this. Just lie down in the middle of the day, the heat, and the quiet lulling Ash to sleep, he felt his breathing slow. When was the last time he had felt like this? Probably Cape Cod three – no, four years ago, and before that? When he was a young child. Ash closed his eyes.

Was this his life now? It felt too good to be true. And, yet, this had been Ash’s life for months already. Even if things changed, he would have had these months of glorious peace, he was grateful. For the first time in a long time, without any exceptions, he was grateful for the life he had.

Ash heard the sound of keys outside the door a moment before it opened.

“ _Tadaima_.”

Ash smiled slowly, eyes still closed. “ _Okaeri_.”

“It’s too _hot_!” Eiji cried, closing the door behind him, Ash heard the sound of bags rustling. He could picture Eiji standing by the door, putting his things down, taking his shoes off, his face flushed from the heat.

“Hot damn!”

“Ugh.”

Ash laughed silently. He heard Eiji’s footsteps move from the door to the kitchen, the sound of glasses clinking, then water running. Footsteps again, closer this time.

“Aren’t you hot?”

Ash finally opened his eyes. Eiji was standing by the kitchen, glass of water in one hand, cloth shopping bag in the other. He was red, just the way Ash had pictured, and his hair was messy and a little stiff, probably from sweat drying in it, Eiji had been outside most of the afternoon. His hair curled a little at the ends, and it was getting long again.

“Yeah, I’m melting."

Eiji gave him a look, and then shook his head. He walked over to Ash and knelt beside him. He held out his glass of water. Ash eyed it, he _was_ thirsty, but drinking it meant sitting up, and sitting up meant moving.

As if Eiji could read his mind, he huffed a little and rolled his eyes. He prodded Ash’s shoulder. “Get up.” Eiji could be ruthless.

Ash heaved a sigh. Eiji put down the glass; he had already put the bag down, and offered his hand to Ash instead. Ash took it, and let himself be pulled up. In the same movement, Ash leaned in to steal a kiss from Eiji’s surprised mouth, picking up the glass Eiji had put down, and drinking the entire contents in seconds.

The faintest colour appeared on Eiji’s cheeks, “You didn’t have to drink all of it.”

“I thought it was for me.”

“You did not.”

Ash smiled, and watched as Eiji tried not to smile back.

“How was the shoot?”

“Long,” Eiji pulled the bag over to himself and took out a small box of cookies. “I don’t think I want to do event photo shoots for the rest of my life. Want some?”

He offered the box to Ash who peered in curiously. Pulling out a chocolate chip cookie, he said, “At least you get paid.”

Eiji made a face. “Money is not everything.” Setting the box down, Eiji pulled out sunblock from the bag, as well as insect repellent. “Did you pack?”

“Nope.” Ash took another cookie.

“Of course you did not,” Eiji sighed; he wore the expression of someone who was digging deep for patience. His accent was more pronounced too, a sure sign of his fatigue.

Ash dusted the crumbs off his fingers, and pinched Eiji’s cheeks.

“Ow, what – “

Ash kissed him softly, gently caressing Eiji’s cheeks with his thumbs now. “Come on,” Ash got up, taking Eiji’s hands, and pulling him up with him. “I’ve been waiting for you to come back.”

“To pack?”

A huff of laughter. “Sure,” Ash said, “to pack.”

It was very hot, literally, and Ash found it a practical necessity for them both to strip completely before he laid Eiji down on his bed. They were sweating, their skin sticking together.

It was also hot figuratively. Ash’s mind reflexively shied away from words like ‘hot’ or ‘sexy’ from years of being called those things from men who saw him as an object. But, right now, ‘hot’ was really the best word. Eiji had pulled him down, slipping his legs to either side of Ash’s hips, and arching up. The sensation of it, the unabashed _want_ from Eiji – it took Ash’s breath away.

He was always so careful to ask for what Ash wanted, Eiji almost never asked for anything for himself. But, now he was, and Ash wanted to give it to him.

They were moving together, Eiji’s hand adding wonderful friction, spreading slick pre-cum over their cocks. Ash braced over Eiji, Eiji’s thighs a warm strong bracket to Ash’s hips, it was a sweet simulation of something else, and it made Ash’s head spin.

Eiji’s eyes were closed, his fingers dug into the skin of Ash’s back, he felt so good. _Too_ good.

Ash slowed right down, so he was barely moving.

Eiji opened his eyes; he looked at Ash dazedly, like he was waking up in the middle of a vivid dream. “Are you okay?” Eiji sounded winded, like he had been running hard.

“Yeah,” Ash leaned down to kiss him softly. “Just – let’s go slow.”

“Yes,” Eiji agreed, brushing back Ash’s sweat dampened bangs. “I want that too.”

Ash would have been worried that wasn’t true, if not for the way Eiji reacted. He was wonderfully responsive, and every reaction he made seemed to be pulled from him, like it was impossible for Eiji not to gasp, or jerk his hips up, or clench his hands. And, the way he looked at Ash, there wasn’t anything untruthful about that either.

Slowly, and sweetly, Ash guided them back to the edge. Eiji was shaking, and so was Ash. He stopped completely, waiting for Eiji to open his eyes again.

“Okay?” Eiji managed to get out.

Ash kissed him by way of answer. And, let them both, finally, tip over the edge.

Then, they lay together breathing hard, both of them lying on their backs. It was too hot to cuddle, but they lay next to each other, fingers brushing, and sweat cooling.

Being with Eiji was incredible, and sometimes it was too much for Ash. It felt like pouring wine into a full glass, everything spilled out, soaking into the carpet, staining it. Sometimes Ash remembered the times when similar touches weren’t his choice, couldn’t stop remembering them, and even Eiji’s soft voice didn’t help. He had cried, once, turning his back to Eiji, sitting on the edge of the bed with his face in his hands. He had almost forgotten how delight could turn so quickly to agony, like they were different sides of the same coin.

It was slow work pulling Ash back from the brink when that happened. When Ash stood on the precipice of his own self, Eiji was always there, letting him stare into the abyss, and then gently turning him away. Reminding Ash that he didn’t want to look anyway, he was just used to that scenery.

There was nothing like that this time, and Ash was glad but, “I think I’m – I’ve been looking at – therapists.” Ash said it haltingly, knowing that Eiji wasn’t going to think any less of him for it, but still finding it hard to say the words. Harder than the effort it took him to type the words ‘remote therapy’ into a search engine.

He felt Eiji turn his head; saw the movement from the corner of his eye. “That’s great!”

Ash turned to look at him too, that wasn’t exactly the reaction he thought he might get.

It must have shown on his face because Eiji quickly added, “It’s not great that there is stuff you need to see a therapist for. But, it _is_ great that you are asking for help. Everyone needs help, I’m glad you want to take care of yourself.”

Eiji was like summer ripened fruit, or pure spring water; so sweet, so unbelievably good.

Ash huffed a laugh, lacing their fingers together. “Thank you.”

“What for?”

_Being you_ , Ash thought. What he said was, “Just, thank you.”

Eiji bumped Ash’s shoulder with his, “Now who is being a sap?”

Ash laughed again. “Come on, we should go shower before we fall asleep like this. And, I still need to pack.”

* * *

It hadn’t been easy to coordinate time off at the same time, easier for Ash than Eiji, but they had managed four days. It wasn’t a lot, but next time, Eiji had fervently promised Ash, they would go on a longer vacation all around Japan. Ash was determined to hold him to that promise. For now though, they were in Kyoto, and Ash felt like he was wearing the pink tinted glasses Eiji bought in New York, because he was seeing everything _en rose_. 

The architecture was beautiful. So much care was taken in every detail of the cityscape, so that even the manhole covers had beautiful designs. It was very different from Izumo, and only the second place in Japan Ash had ever been. It was a purposeful beauty, one laboured over and thoughtfully put together, an entirely different experience from New York. 

Eiji took Ash to shrines and temples, teaching him customs and history. Ash had read up on Kyoto history, and so had Eiji.

“I want to show you around. This is not my city, but it is my country, and I want to introduce you to it.” Eiji had said. So, he had kept studying, and Ash had stopped his reading, he wanted to hear everything from Eiji.

On their way up to one particular shrine, they found themselves walking among a street lined with shops.

“Things will get more expensive as we keep going,” Eiji said, gesturing up the hill, but Ash was already walking into one of the shops.

He felt like a character in the cartoons from his childhood; floating into the shop on the waves of aroma coming from it, led by his nose. There was such a strong smell of peaches, Ash couldn’t help but follow it in. It smelled so overwhelmingly good.

“ _Ash_ ,” came Eiji’s voice from behind him. He said Ash’s name in an exasperated tone, like he had been saying it a few times now. Maybe he had, Ash was busy contemplating the peaches sitting in their own individual boxes, on display like precious gems.

After a moment’s serious contemplation where Ash completely tuned out whatever Eiji was saying to him, he pointed at two of the peaches. “These two, I think, look best.”

As if he was waiting for Ash’s selection, the sales clerk materialized at their side and offered to take the peaches to the counter for them.

“Ash,” Eiji said again. “These are not cheap.” He spoke quietly; even though he said this in English, there was a good chance the clerk would understand him.

Ash waved this away. He got his wallet out at the counter, and passed the clerk exact change, and then turned to Eiji. “You’re telling me you don’t want any?” He raised his eyebrows and watched Eiji hesitate. The fruit already bought, there was no point denying the fact that he _did_ want to try them; Ash could see him wavering. Ash turned back to the clerk, thanked him, and took the peaches, knowing Eiji was going to follow him out.

“Fine,” Eiji said once they were outside again. “Let’s see if they were worth 4000 yen.” He was trying to sound annoyed, but Ash could tell he was genuinely curious. “Just because they are more expensive, does not mean they are always better.” Eiji added as he took one of the peaches Ash handed him. Ash said nothing, just waited for Eiji to try the fruit. With great dignity, Eiji bit into it, he couldn’t hide his expression of pleasure fast enough for Ash to miss it. Ash smirked as he bit into his own. It tasted as good as it smelled. “Don’t.” Eiji said, pointing into Ash’s face.

Ash widened his eyes innocently, “I didn’t say anything.”

“You are thinking it, I can see it on your smug face.”

Ash laughed.

The temple was beautiful; it almost seemed to sit in the water surrounding it instead of merely resting at its edge. In shops by the temple they sold ice cream with gold leaf in it, a tribute to the gold leaf decorating the temple. Practical Eiji would not even let Ash look in the shop’s direction. Ash only pretended to be interested in the ice cream to see Eiji bristle.

On their way back down Ash spotted a flyer on the side of one of the stores. He took Eiji’s hand, reaching out without even looking, and pulled a startled Eiji with him.

“This is for a festival right? Tomorrow?”

Eiji looked at Ash and then at the flyer. “Yes,” he said simply.

Delighted first by the fact that he could read the flyer, and then by the contents, Ash grinned at Eiji. “Let’s go.”

It was an added pleasure to see Eiji grin in return, his eyes lighting up. “Yes!” Eiji took his phone out and took a quick picture of the flyer to get the details, even though, since Ash had read it, he wouldn’t forget it. “I’ve wanted to take you to a festival too, and – “ he turned to Ash stuffing his phone back in his pocket. “You need a _yukata_!”

“One of those robes?”

“Yes! It’s tradition. You need the full experience.”

Ash hesitated. He looked down at sparkling brown eyes, and felt himself giving in. “Fine,” Ash said, seeing Eiji’s smile widen. “But, you have to wear one too.”

“Deal,” Eiji held out his hand, which Ash shook. “Let’s go find a shop.”

They left the touristy area; everything there would probably be priced higher than other places, and geared toward foreigners anyway, Eiji explained. They went to a more residential area, and there Eiji brought them to a store.

“There is no time for adjustments to be made, so it will have to fit you now.” Eiji said as they walked in.

It was a specialty store, it only sold traditional Japanese attire, the bulk of which seemed to be _yukata_ , but there were elaborate _kimono_ on display too. Ash looked around with interest, this too was new for him.

It was a somewhat cramped little store, it felt close and a bit like stepping into a different world, the way small business stores tended to feel. In the back was a small platform and a set of three full length mirrors angled around it. 

“ _Welcome_.”

Both young men turned, an older woman stepped out from behind a rack, smiling at them. She was very small, possibly she had been taller in her youth, but Ash guessed she wasn’t even five feet.

She turned to address Eiji, “ _Is there anything I can help you with?_ ” Her gaze kept going back to Ash.

_“Is it the hair?” Ash asked Eiji, one week after his arrival, getting many more stares then he was used to. Ash pulled on his own bangs._

_“Yes, that is part of it.”_

_“What’s the other part?”_

_Eiji looked away, suddenly all his attention consumed with chopping peppers. “You are very – attractive.”_

Ash was the one to reply, “ _Yes, please. We are looking for yukata._ ”

She looked a little surprised and then nodded approvingly, and whether it was at Ash’s Japanese, or his desired purchase, Ash wasn’t sure. But, the shop clerk led them to a rack when Eiji added that they needed the _yukata_ for the next day, so it needed to be ready to go now.

The woman’s accent was a bit different than he was used to hearing, and it took Ash a moment to adjust to the sound of it. And, although Ash could handle pleasantries, and had taken pains to learn more complex vocabulary to talk about things that were interesting for him, not much about traditional Japanese clothing had made it into his lexicon. So, it was Eiji who handled most of the conversation with the store clerk, though once Ash had the names for things he had a good understanding of what was being said. 

“ _Take these in for now, and let me know if you would like more options. I recommend these in particular,_ ” she indicated specific _yukata_ Ash and Eiji were holding, and then gestured them into adjacent changing rooms.

Thankfully, _yukata_ were fairly straightforward. Ash slipped the robe on, and tied the _obi_ into a knot at the front. He wasn’t sure how to tie it properly, but he just needed it to be closed for now. Not even a minute later, Ash was stepping out of the changing room. Seconds later, Eiji came out too.

While Ash hadn’t particularly liked or disliked how the _yukata_ had looked on him, he did have an entirely different appreciation for how it looked on Eiji. He came out in a _yukata_ that was soft blue at the top and darkened to midnight blue at the bottom. It was shot through with silver thread along the hem, it and Eiji were beautiful.

Before Ash could do more than stare, the shop’s clerk came over clicking her tongue at Ash’s shoddy _obi_ tying job.

Eiji smiled at Ash when the women gently, indirectly, scolded him for tying the _obi_ like he was knotting a shoelace.

“ _I_ _will show you, please pay attention._ ” Ash tore his eyes away from Eiji.

Eiji, of course, had tied his own _obi_ just fine. When the clerk was done schooling Ash, she came over and brushed imaginary lint from Eiji’s _yukata_ and remarked on how good it looked.

Eiji turned to look at Ash, and smiling, said, “ _That colour looks good on you_.”

They tried a few more, and eventually settled on ones they both liked, though everything had looked good on Eiji.

“ _Thank you for your patronage, I hope you enjoy the festival_.” The woman said, inclining her head and handing them their purchases.

“ _Thank you_ _very much_ ,” they both said, bowing their heads.

Walking out of the store, Ash turned to Eiji, “You don’t have anything like this at home, do you like wearing _yukata_?”

Eiji shrugged as they made their way to the bus stop. “I don’t mind it. I used to wear traditional clothes for every occasion when I was little, but when I got older it did not seem very practical.” He paused, smiling a little, “It will be kind of nice to wear one again.”

Ash wondered if he could ask Sakura to send him pictures of a young Eiji wearing a _yukata_. He was probably exceptionally cute.

Back in their hotel, Ash and Eiji dropped their things off in their room, and then headed out to the communal dining room. They were staying in a traditional Japanese style hotel, and the dining room had tatami mat flooring, along with low tables that guests sat around on cushions. The rice paper door slid smoothly open when one of the hosts showed Ash and Eiji in.

They shared a table with some of the other guests; one of the servers came over to take their order after they had looked over the menu. Ash was very proud of the fact that he hadn’t needed Eiji to translate or clarify anything for him; he had read the menu faultlessly.

Everything was simple and beautiful. There was an obvious stress on quality over quantity that Ash really enjoyed in the Japanese aesthetic. There was so much pride taken in knowing how to do one thing _really_ well, and the results were always worth the effort.

The food was delicious, and the atmosphere was lively in a slightly understated way, everyone seemed conscious of not wanting to disturb their fellow guests. It was nice, this consideration. Everything about Ash’s life since he had arrived in Japan had been nice.

Sometimes, he got homesick, but he didn’t know where exactly he longed to return. New York? Cape Cod? The things that had happened there marred both places; intellectually Ash understood his longing to be for a place that had never really existed. What he missed was a point in time when he was innocent and carefree, and was conflating that with a physical space.

He was still sometimes worried he would mess things up, or some crazy act of God would interfere, following some unwritten rule that Ash wasn’t meant for happiness. 

But, he only saw an endless line of days where he and Eiji worked, and came back to the same apartment that was their home. _Their_ home. Their _home_. Sometimes they were so busy they didn’t have time for more than a quick ‘goodnight,’ and that could be lonely. But, it almost seemed as if tomorrow were not only a possibility, but a guarantee. Of course, that wasn’t true, but for the first time in years, Ash had the luxury of time.

“Um, _excuse me_ ,” both Ash and Eiji turned to look. A young woman, probably around their own age, was looking at Eiji. She gestured to her menu, “ _Do you,_ um, _know this_?”

“ _A_ _h, yes_ ,” said Eiji, looking genuinely eager to help. “ _Do you speak English_?”

“Yes,” the young woman replied with obvious relief.

Ash watched them as he sipped barley tea. He didn’t feel the need to offer help, Eiji could probably do a better job then him, but he was amused that this young woman, who was sitting at the table next to theirs, had leaned over to get Eiji’s attention, when, if anyone there looked like they would speak English, it was Ash.

The young woman swung long light brown hair over her shoulder; she leaned in close to Eiji, and looked up at him through dark eyelashes. Ash sipped more tea calmly. Eiji didn’t seem to notice any of it; he politely leaned back when she got too close.

It was charming, really, how oblivious Eiji could be. He walked around unaware that he was the definition of catching flies with honey.

Back in their room they carefully laid out their clothes for the next day and went to bathe together. Ash remembered how illicit it had first seemed to him when Eiji suggested they take a bath together. It was definitely a combination of cultural differences, Ash’s life experiences, and his own desires that had made it seem more sexual than it was. Having spent almost a year in Japan, and having visited the public baths a few times now, Ash understood how Eiji’s offer could be completely innocent. It was, even now, nothing but practical bathing. Eiji never tried to ‘make a move’ on Ash, even though he did mess around sometimes, but that too was purely playful. It was nicer than Ash would have imagined, it felt like a reminder that just because there was a sexual aspect to their relationship now, it didn’t mean that everything they did revolved around it. Their relationship wasn’t defined by it.

“Here,” Eiji said, holding out his hand to Ash. Ash passed him the soap from where he sat and Eiji lathered up the washcloth he was already holding. Eiji drew a half circle in the air to indicate Ash should turn; he did, and felt Eiji begin to scrub at his back. The other, wonderful, thing about this was that Ash didn’t bristle about this particular loss – yielding – of independence. He didn’t _need_ the help, he could do it on his own, but it was a different way to share his body. Eiji had a way of cutting past Ash’s usual annoyance or embarrassment and let him be vulnerable, Ash was appreciating the fact that he had needed this, this implicit trust for longer than he cared to admit.

Because it was their first official trip together, Eiji had grudgingly agreed to splurging on an en-suite bathroom. It was much bigger than the one they had in their apartment, and the bathtub fit them both much more comfortably. While neither of them could fully stretch their legs out, they weren’t folded in the way they were at home, and they soaked in the hot water for a long while.

“I’m already excited for the festival tomorrow,” Eiji said, breaking the silence.

Ash, who had his eyes closed, smiled. “Me too.”

“I haven’t been to one in years, there’s so much to do. There are usually big crowds, we might get separated, what will you do if we get separated?”

“Find you.”

“I think it will be easier for me to find you,” Eiji reached up to tug on a lock of Ash’s hair. “With your hair like a beacon.”

It felt a bit condescending of Ash to praise Eiji for his English in that moment, so he didn’t, but he did appreciate how good that sounded. ‘ _Your hair like a beacon_ ,’ he had said, it was pleasant, poetic, almost. The sheer phonetic sound of it. Ash thought maybe his tendency to latch onto the wrong thing was showing.

Ash got out of the bath first; he dried off, and then wrapped himself up in one of the hotel provided robes. It was softer than he had anticipated, and there was more dignity in wearing these than their American counterparts.

There were two brilliantly white futons laid out for them, Ash pushed them together and laid down on the one farthest from the bathroom.

Ash _was_ very excited for tomorrow. He felt like a child waiting to open his presents on Christmas Eve. Just one more sleep. Ash could already see it in his mind’s eye. Scenes taken from anime he had watched at Michael’s insistence, overlaid with real life knowledge of what busy shrines looked like, and of course Eiji in his _yukata_. He could see it so clearly, like it was a memory rather than his imagination, Eiji laughing in the glow of lanterns, his brown eyes sparkling, and his whole being radiating joy. Ash was excited for tomorrow.

When Eiji emerged from the bathroom, Ash sat up. Their room was now dimly lit; Ash had turned off the brighter lights and left them with only the small lamps by the futons. In this partial light Eiji looked soft, softer than he usually did. The colour of his robe was palest yellow, and it highlighted how much more colour Eiji had gained since the weather had gotten warmer. Part of his studies meant he needed field experience, and he was working for an event photography company, meaning there were a lot of outdoor photo shoots.

Eiji was plugging his phone into his charger; he turned, and caught Ash staring. “What?”

“Nothing,” Ash said. “Come here.”

Eiji did, looking suddenly shy. 

Ash held out his hands, which Eiji took, letting Ash help him balance. He knelt beside Ash, so close his knees were pressed against Ash’s thigh.

“You know,” Ash said, pulling a little on Eiji’s hands, “that girl was flirting with you.”

“What girl?” Eiji asked, and Ash laughed in disbelief. “The one from dinner? Was she? I thought she was just asking for help.”

“Mhm, and I was just trying to get you information in that pill.”

“Pill?” Eiji echoed in confusion, and then looked at Ash with comical surprise. “What? That wasn’t – you weren’t?”

It was, admittedly, still a little embarrassing to say it but, “Not completely.” Ash owned, looking down at their hands. “I wanted to kiss you. But, it’s not like I could ask. ‘Hey, Eiji, I know this isn’t a great time and stuff, but what are your feelings on kissing guys? Me in particular?’” Ash scoffed.

Eiji tugged on Ash’s hands now, more firmly than Ash had been doing. “Hey.” Eiji said. Ash looked up. “You could have asked me.” And then he kissed Ash.

What would that have been like? Ash tried to imagine a timeline in which he had just confessed to Eiji frankly. How different would things be? Would they still be here, now? Practically, it didn’t seem like it would have changed much, but to Ash it seemed like it would have changed everything.

He could have had this much sooner, probably. But, even if Ash had a time machine and could make himself confess his feelings all those years ago, he probably wouldn’t. It didn’t seem worth putting their present at risk, things had worked out anyway.

Ash broke away to ask, against Eiji’s mouth, “That far back?”

He didn’t need to clarify; Eiji seemed to catch his meaning. Even in the dim light Ash could still make out his blush. “Yes,” he said, and Ash tasted the words. “My feelings changed, but from the moment I saw you, yes.”

Eiji kissed him again, softer this time. 

That far back.

Ash felt Eiji gently pull his hands away, he let go, and Eiji’s hands came up to cup his face.

He would never have guessed. That was a strange and funny thing to realize, but Ash, who prided himself on his intuition, his ability to read people, and his intelligence, he would never have guessed that Eiji had felt something romantic for him all that time. When they had met it was like schoolboys in the playground. Eiji had done the equivalent of walking up to him and asking Ash to be his friend; it had been beautiful in its simplicity. Ash had found this refreshing and intriguing, but that had been too soon for him. Even when he _had_ kissed Eiji, he hadn’t completely developed feelings yet, it was more of an attraction at that time. He had just wanted to kiss Eiji, this young man who had risked life and limb to help him, and then dazzled Ash by seeming to fly more than jump. Even then Ash had wanted to know if Eiji would taste as good as he looked.

After that he had firmly retreated. Forcefully reshaped the way he thought of Eiji, and looked at him. Reminded himself that Eiji was his _friend_ , his brother. It was easier with Eiji playing along too.

Now, Eiji was forcing Ash to change the way he saw him again. He was still those things, still his family, his best friend, but now they both knew Eiji had wanted to kiss Ash back. 

Back when Ash had first come to Japan, when all he wanted was to kiss Eiji again, he had felt selfish, and a little dirty, and he still sometimes felt the latter. But, when it was Eiji who kissed him first, like he had this time, and when he was the one to reach out and touch Ash, like he was doing now, his hand moving up Ash’s thigh, it made him feel like they were equal. It wasn’t just Ash who kept thinking about how their bodies felt pressed together, couldn’t seem to _stop_ thinking about it.

Eiji’s hand slid higher up, Ash wavered for just a moment, and then caught his hand, gently pulling it away. He broke the kiss and let go of Eiji’s hand, holding up a finger to forestall Eiji’s apologies.

“I was thinking,” Ash began, and decided to simply be direct, “do you want to have sex?”

Watching Eiji blush the way he did just then would never lose its appeal.

“I – ah, _now_?”

Ash tried not to laugh, “Not now, not unless you packed condoms and lube.” He said, “Wait, did you?”

“No!” Eiji shook his head, leaning back a little.

“So, not right now,” Ash continued, supremely unembarrassed. “But, have you thought about it?”

Eiji gave him a suspicious look, like Ash had asked him a trick question.

Patiently, Ash clarified. “I mean, have you thought about penetrative sex between us? Is that something you’d want?” They hadn’t outright talked about the other things they had done, but there was no time like the present to establish clear communication, especially when one party was completely inexperienced in this area.

A short pause ensued in which Eiji couldn’t seem to meet his eyes suddenly. He bit his lip, and then said, like he was pushing the word out, “Yes.”

There was one second where Ash entertained the idea of asking for clarification, but he didn’t. That one word confession went through him like a shot of vodka, warming him from the inside out. Eiji, still red faced, glanced up at him. The desire to push him down was very strong in that moment, it was almost scary how much Ash _wanted_.

He leaned over and kissed Eiji softly on his forehead. “Okay. Then we can do that another time.” He drew back and picked up his phone to distract both of them. “It’s getting late though, we should sleep.”

Eiji didn’t protest. He got up and drank some water, then came back to bed. Ash carefully set his alarm for earlier than he actually needed to be up, making plans in his head, and then stowed his phone under his pillow.

* * *

“Do you remember what the lady from the store taught you?”

“Of course.”

“No you don’t, you’re doing it wrong.”

“Fine,” Ash threw up his hands, letting the _obi_ fall loosely around his hips. “Then you do it.”

With great dignity, Eiji did. He picked up the ends of the _obi_ , and deftly tied it so it sat neatly against his _yukata_ , the way Eiji’s own _obi_ was doing. In the end, Eiji hadn’t bought the first _yukata_ he had tried, but was now wearing a soft pink _yukata_ decorated with white _sakura_. It too looked good on him, it brought out the warm brown tones of his skin, his eyes, and his hair, and it complimented Ash’s own _yukata_ better than the blue one would have. Eiji had picked out Ash’s _yukata_ , a soft green. Eiji had smiled when he came out wearing it, and said, ‘ _I_ _like this one best, it makes your eyes look green_.’ Ash had of course pointed out that his eyes _were_ green, but he understood Eiji’s meaning, and had bought this one.

“There.”

“Don’t be so smug.”

Eiji flashed his teeth, not quite a smile, an expression he had learned from Ash thrown back at him. “Come on, I’m starving!”

The sun was just setting when they headed out. Along with their _yukata_ , they had bought _geta_ , a type of Japanese wooden sandal. This particular footwear wasn’t something Ash was used to, but he adapted quickly, and soon learned to walk at a more normal speed in them.

On the bus they weren’t the only ones dressed in traditional wear, but they were some of the only men wearing them. Almost every woman wore a _yukata_ , where almost none of the men did.

“Not cool for guys to wear a _yukata_?” Ash asked looking over at the crowd on the bus.

Eiji shrugged. “Kind of, but we’re not trying to be cool, so it’s fine.”

That was true, but Ash was getting twice as many looks as he usually did.

When they arrived at their stop, everyone on the bus got out with them. The sun had almost completely disappeared by then.

The booths and games weren’t at the shrine itself, but had been erected along a pathway leading to the stairs of the shrine. When Ash and Eiji arrived, there were already crowds of people moving along the pathway. It was getting darker now, and the lanterns lining the stairs, strung along the booths, and through the nearby trees were already lit.

Ash was already grinning, he turned to look at Eiji who returned his look.

“Shall we?”

“Yes!”

The first stop was food. Eiji had suggested they skip dinner so they could try all the food they wanted. Eiji took his hand and led them over to a booth selling _takoyaki_ , fried octopus balls with a special sauce that made everything delicious. Ash had stopped eyeing food that Eiji recommended to him suspiciously. He had almost a year of trying new foods to delightful outcomes, and was almost completely over the trauma and trust issues that had arisen after _natto_.

Next they had croquettes, then fried soba, and then _karage_. If they didn’t buy the same things, they shared each other’s food; they ate, and ate to their heart's content. 

They were careful not to get anything on their clothes, but luck definitely played a part in that. Other visitors bumped them accidentally more times than Ash could count. When they were finally done with the first round of food, they moved on to the games.

“Okay,” they were both crouched by a large tank filled with water, and in it swam very small goldfish. Eiji was holding out a small, what looked like to Ash, paper fan. “You have to carefully scoop it, look.” Ash looked. It wasn’t a fan at all; it was, as Eiji had accurately said, a paper scoop.

Maybe net was a bit better to describe the way it was being used. Since the scoop was paper, the trick was to catch the fish without ripping it. Ash soon had his own and determinedly gave it a try. On the other side of the tank a child of about five or so was struggling to catch anything at all.

It was harder than it looked. You had to be quick, but you couldn’t be too forceful or you risked ripping the paper, Ash learned that the hard way. And, of course, the fish weren’t exactly working with you. Ash broke five scoopers before he finally managed to get one.

“That one! Try that one!”

“I am!”

“Quickly, it is going to rip!”

“I know!”

“No, the other fish was slower!”

“Would you quit backseat fishing?”

“ _Yosh!_ ” Eiji clenched his fists in excitement when Ash caught the goldfish, and Ash looked at him with triumph and wonder. That was more fun than he would have guessed.

“ _Congratulations, young man!_ ” The woman running the booth said. She carefully bagged the fish for Ash and then handed it to him.

He stood, automatically taking it, and thanking her. “Uh, Eiji, what do we do with – ?“

Eiji was still crouching down; the young boy who hadn’t managed to catch anything was about to leave, his mother trying to console him as he stood up.

“ _Ah, excuse me_ ,” both the young boy and his mother turned to look at Eiji. “ _Would you like ours_?” Eiji gestured toward Ash.

Ash immediately held out the fish. 

The little boy looked up at his mother, pleading in his eyes.

“ _Oh, thank you, that’s very kind of you_.” His mother said.

Ash walked over and crouched in front of the small boy. “ _Next year you will get one on your own. For now, please take care of this one_.”

The little boy looked at Ash with wide brown eyes. He nodded seriously. “ _I promise I will. Thank you, big brother_.”

The young boy waved as he left, and Ash stood, walking over to Eiji.

“He called me _onii-chan_.”

Eiji laughed. “Isn’t it cute?” It was.

They went and played other games. Ring toss, which Eiji was surprisingly good at, although Ash was much better, to the astonishment of the man running the booth. They fished for water yo-yos, and then came across a shooting game. Ash pulled them over and demanded Eiji play.

“What?” Eiji said, taking the toy gun Ash pushed into his startled hands. “Why me? You’re the one who can shoot!”

“That’s not sporting,” Ash explained. “Now come on, just like I taught you.”

Eiji hesitated. The gun was longer than the one Ash had taught him on, Eiji held it a little awkwardly, adjusting his grip and then aiming. Ash watched him take a breath, square his shoulders, and carefully survey the target in front of him.

He completely missed the target the first time. And the second time. Ash laughed. “You can do better than that, I taught you how!”

“Shut up,” Eiji said, brows furrowed. “That was years ago! It’s not like I practice!”

“Here,” Ash came up behind him, arms around Eiji, ignoring the looks that earned them. “Remember what I said before, follow the sightline, your stance is good, remember to breathe.” Eiji took a deep breath. “Okay, now try.” Ash let go and took a step back.

This time Eiji hit dead centre.

The older man running the booth looked completely baffled.

The prize for hitting the centre was a giant stuffed animal, but Eiji asked if they could have keychains instead, neither of them wanted to carry that around with them for the rest of the night. The man agreed, and gave them small Domo-kun keychains.

After that was more food. It was fully night by then, and the atmosphere was different, more electric, excitement brought out by starlight. The lanterns strung around them glowed brightly, washing everything in golden light, and for a moment Ash appreciated just how amazing everything was. Everyone around him was laughing or smiling, they were with friends, dates, or family, and there was a lovely sense of carefree enjoyment going through all of them, Ash included. Eiji took his hand, they looked at each other, and then they both started laughing, for no reason at all, other than that they were happy.

While they were getting shaved ice, they heard the crowd start to murmur.

“ _Fireworks_.”

“ _T_ _he fireworks are starting!_ ”

Ash and Eiji exchanged a look, and then followed the crowd to the fireworks. They moved off the path and through the trees lining it, about a minute away from the pathway. They were in a clearing that stopped at a sizable pond. On the other side of the water they could see people set up the fireworks.

“I can’t remember the last time I saw fireworks that weren’t on TV,” Ash said as they waited.

“Me either,” Eiji replied. “There will be another festival in Izumo in August, do you want to go?”

“ _Yes_.”

Eiji laughed, and then the fireworks began. Even the colours were different. Fireworks Ash had seen in America were generally primary colours, but these fireworks burst with colours like turquoise, magenta, and pale purple. He wasn’t used to seeing that, and they went on longer than he thought they would. Each fire flower burst with different colours several times, and when Ash thought, surely that was it, they burst again, colour blooming in the night sky.

Eiji was holding his hand, and he had stepped closer to Ash, so his arm was pressed against Ash’s. They watched every firework go up, and in that moment Ash felt infinitely grateful for everything, for the chance to be there, for Eiji, for his own life.

Eventually the display ended, and the crowd cheered and applauded. Ash and Eiji turned toward each other.

“Should we go back?”

“Back – to the hotel?”

“Do you want to?”

“Do you?”

They looked at each other, and then both laughed. Ash shook his head. “Being considerate gets things done a lot slower. How are your feet?”

He seemed startled for a second, like he thought Ash hadn't noticed, but of course he had. “They…kind of hurt.” Eiji admitted.

“I thought so,” Ash tugged on his hand and turned them in the direction of their bus stop. “Let’s go back, do you want to take off your sandals?”

Eiji considered, and then shook his head. “It’s okay, I can keep them on.”

They walked slowly, and got to the stop not even half a minute before their bus showed up.

It wasn’t as crowded as it had been on their way to the shrine, but it was still rather full, a lot of other people had left after the fireworks display. When they got to their hotel, Eiji was walking more slowly. Ash had his suspicions as to why, but since Eiji didn’t say anything, he didn’t either. Back in their room Eiji kicked off the _geta_ and sank to his knees on the freshly laid out futon.

Ash knelt by his feet. “Let’s see.”

Eiji lifted one foot onto Ash’s lap. He had rubbed a blister onto his big toe, and it had burst, but it wasn’t bleeding very much. Ash made a small noise of sympathy and carefully set Eiji’s foot down on the futon.

“Hold on.” Ash went to get their travel first-aid kit, and then came back, picking Eiji’s foot up again. Eiji didn’t protest, just reclined on his hands, and let Ash take care of it. Ash put on disinfectant, and waited a moment for the skin to dry, and then put on a bandage. “Technically, you should leave it in the open air so it dries faster, but since you still need to walk around, this is probably better.”

“Thank you,” Eiji said.

Ash looked up at him, Eiji was smiling a little, like Ash had said something funny.

“What?”

Eiji shook his head; he pulled his foot back and then held out his hands. “Help me up.”

Confused, but willing to let it go, Ash got up and took Eiji’s hands. He felt resistance, and then give as Eiji pushed himself up, using Ash’s pull to practically jump to his feet.

As they got ready for bed they reminisced about everything they had enjoyed at the festival.

“The best _takoyaki_ – “

“And the _karage_ – “

“The _colours_ of the fire works – “

“The look on that man’s face when you – “

They dissolved into helpless laughter.

“This is actually pretty comfortable,” Ash said after, plucking at the collar of his _yukata_ , and spoke around the toothbrush in his mouth, “It’s not bad.”

Eiji, whose mouth was already full of toothpaste, crinkled his eyes at Ash, and spit into the sink.

Instead of changing back into the robe the hotel provided, Ash put on the pyjamas he had brought with him, soft baggy shirt, and shorts. As much as he did like wearing the _yukata_ he still enjoyed Western style clothing more.

Eiji had finished getting ready first, so that when Ash emerged from the bathroom he found Eiji already lying down. He had pushed the two futons together, and lay smack in the middle of both of them, his arms were up over his head, and unlike Ash, he had opted to wear the robe.

Walking over, Ash nudged none too gently at Eiji’s side with his foot, “Hey,” he protested.

Eiji turned his head to look at him, he was smiling in a way that made Ash’s heart beat faster. “What?”

“Move.”

Eiji held his gaze. “Make me.”

Ash knelt feeling like this was a challenge of an entirely different sort, but decided to take it at face value, for now. Lifting his hands, Eiji mirrored him, they eyed each other warily, and when Eiji struck out, Ash caught his hands. This, he realized, was Eiji’s intention, because he held on tightly to Ash’s hands when Ash tried to pull free. Fingers digging in, just shy of painful.

They had played this game before. If Ash really wanted to, he could free himself, but that wasn’t the point of this game anyway. There was no real winning. Even if one of them said they won, the winning didn’t come from being free from each other, it came from the contact, the point of the game was to touch, and stay touching.

They struggled for a moment, muffling laughter, protesting as the other pulled or tugged on their hands, their holds still testing, not even kind of serious. Eiji could probably pull himself free too, if he wanted to, he obviously didn’t.

When Ash leaned forward, Eiji pulled sharply on Ash’s hands, so that Ash’s balance was upset and he had to brace himself on their joined hands now up over Eiji’s head. His face was much closer to Eiji’s now, and that, he realized, had been Eiji’s goal. He saw it in the way Eiji looked at him, in the way colour slowly suffused his face.

“What now?” Ash asked, his voice coming out more quietly, and deeply than he had anticipated.

“You are asking me?” Eiji’s voice was just as quiet, just as weighed down with warmth.

“You started it.”

“Did I?”

Eiji could be such a tease. Ash closed the distance between them, and kissed him. He felt Eiji’s triumph, so maybe you could win this game after all.

Ash had once wondered if Eiji tasted as good as he looked, and he thought he had known, then, but he hadn’t. 

Kissing Eiji was a lesson in contradictions. It seemed to pull conflicting impulses and desires from Ash. He wanted to be gentle, so gentle, and so slow it almost hurt, but at the same time he wanted to press more firmly, harder, he wanted to take, and take, and take. He wouldn’t let himself do any of the latter, not because he thought it was wrong, exactly, he just wouldn’t let himself. As much as he wanted to take, he also wanted to give. He wanted to give to Eiji until he was overflowing like Ash was, until there was no space in him for anything other than Ash. Just as Ash felt sometimes when they kissed, that there was nothing in his heart, his body, or his mind that wasn’t Eiji.

They kissed long and slow, hands still clasped together, their grips now more relaxed.

When Ash pulled back, it was only far enough to watch Eiji open his eyes.

For a moment they just looked at each other in the dim light. Eiji’s eyes were dark and liquid. Ash didn’t understand why he was the one who got all the stares when Eiji looked like _this_.

“Now,” Ash said. “Do you want to?” He waited to see if he needed to clarify, knowing Eiji liked that he was blunt even when it embarrassed him.

It didn’t seem like he needed to however, because Eiji’s colour deepened, and his grip on Ash’s hands tightened.

“But,” Eiji began, “we still don’t have anything.”

“Wrong.” Ash said, enjoying the surprised look on Eiji’s face. “We didn’t, but we do now.”

“In the morning,” Eiji said slowly, putting it together. “You went out early, that’s what you went to do?” He let go on Ash’s hands when he gently pulled them back.

Ash was standing now, his back to Eiji as he rummaged through his luggage. He was glad Eiji couldn’t see his own blush at Eiji’s disbelieving tone.

“Yeah,” he said evenly.

Eiji didn’t say anything, but when Ash turned around he found him sitting up now. His robe had fallen open to his stomach; most of Eiji’s long legs were bare. He had very sharp tan lines just under his knee and just above his ankle, like he was wearing brown legwarmers; it was kind of funny and cute.

Ash carried with him a small plastic bag that he upturned on the futon when he knelt down again. Eiji followed the spill of objects onto the white blanket, after a beat he looked up at Ash.

“I don’t – “ Eiji stopped, swallowed, and tried again. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Don’t worry,” Ash leaned forward and kissed him, it was more of a soft brush of lips, “I’m a good teacher.”

Eiji made a small noise that could have been a scoff or laugh, or maybe both.

“What do you want?”

“What do _you_ want?”

“You can’t answer my question with a question.”

“Says who? What will you do, arrest me?”

“Yes. Arrested for questions. Now, answer properly.”

Eiji gave him a look. He sat up on his knees and leaned over to whisper in Ash’s ear. That struck Ash as very funny, it wasn’t like there was anyone else to hear them anyway. But, his amusement turned to something else when Eiji’s words blew softly across his ear.

He sat back and they just looked at each other again. Eiji was biting his lip, his whole face red. Ash felt incredibly warm.

“Okay,” Ash said, his voice not even at all.

Eiji leaned forward again and kissed him. This time it was decidedly not just a brush of lips. It was still soft and sweet, but there was an undercurrent of something electric. It reminded Ash of that time months ago, when after they had both laid down to sleep, Eiji had made a small sound, kissing Ash and pulling his hand up and under Eiji’s shirt. This kiss had the same feeling, the same tender request. And, Ash answered.

It was an entirely different experience to undress Eiji like this. Partly because of what he was wearing, the act of pulling on a tie, watching the fabric fall open, and then pushing the rest off to find Eiji completely naked underneath, that was different. And, partly because they both knew exactly where this was going, and they had both asked for it. Ash wanted to say something about the former, about Eiji’s state of undress, but he didn’t get a chance, Eiji was climbing onto his lap.

He was a wonderful weight over Ash, and there was nothing to stop Ash’s fingers when they trailed up skin, so much skin. Ash had already spent so much time touching Eiji, but it wasn’t nearly enough.

Eiji began coaxing Ash out of his own clothes. Now Ash lamented the fact that his clothes wouldn’t come off as easily or erotically as Eiji’s had, god, he was going to replay that moment in his mind over and over again. Instead he had to break the kiss to tug his shirt off, and then Eiji had to move off him to get his shorts off. Western clothing was overrated.

Maybe some of what he was thinking had made it onto Ash’s expression, because Eiji was clearly trying not to laugh. He sat back down on top of him and smoothed Ash’s bangs back.

“What?”

Eiji was still smiling, and he didn’t reply right away. He ran his fingers through Ash’s hair, not as smoothly as either of them had probably hoped, fingers caught in tangles, but he gently pulled them through.

Tilting his head a little to the side Eiji seemed to regard him, still smiling like he was in on a joke that Ash wasn’t. “I like you.” He said, finally.

That caught Ash by surprise. Now, he was smiling too, felt his chest tighten, and his cheeks warm.

He used to think that sounded childish. A stupid young thing to say, but hearing it from Eiji, it sounded more profound, it carried weight. And, when Ash said it back, it was with feelings of more than just ‘like.’

They kissed again, and again, and again. This much was familiar; they had been here before. Their hands touching bare skin, their bodies instinctively pushing closer together, moving on memory, on desire.

Ash broke the kiss to lay Eiji down. Seeing him there, dark eyed, dark hair splayed out over a clean white pillow, it made Ash feel like fire ran through his veins.

When Ash bent down again it was to kiss the curve of Eiji’s neck. Eiji made a small sound when Ash grazed sensitive skin with his teeth. He thought about biting him, about sucking skin into his mouth, but he wouldn’t, not on his neck anyway. And, that was only partly for Eiji’s benefit, the other, greater part, was selfishly for Ash. He didn’t want people to see marks on Eiji’s neck and think about what Eiji might look like when they were being made. He had never really thought of himself as possessive, but the idea of anyone else looking at Eiji like that – Ash didn’t like it.

Instead, he trailed his mouth wetly down, taking care to run his tongue over the dip in Eiji’s collarbone. Kissing his way to Eiji’s shoulder, there, he bit down. Eiji gasped, his hands fisted in the sheets under them. He kissed the same spot, tenderly, soothing, and then kept going.

Eiji’s skin, Ash had discovered, was littered with beauty marks. He had one at the top of his ribs, one on his stomach, another on his hip, at his ankle, and when Eiji turned to lie on his stomach, Ash kissed the beauty mark on his shoulder blade, on his spine, and the small of his back.

By then they were both breathing hard. This – this was new. Ash had never seen Eiji completely naked and lying on his front before, it struck Ash as an incredibly vulnerable and trusting position to be in. His heart squeezed.

Reaching out, Ash trailed his fingers lightly down, tracing the line of Eiji’s back, and then lower. He felt Eiji tense, and he knew it was with anticipation.

Eiji was beautiful and Ash wanted to – he wanted to do everything Eiji had asked of him.

Ash was kneeling beside him on the futon. To his left were the things he had bought, condoms, lube, a packet of hand wipes; he looked over at them and then at Eiji. Eiji’s head was pillowed on his arms; he was looking the other way.

“Eiji,” Ash said, more breathy than he wanted. He waited until Eiji turned his head to look at him. His eyes were very dark, and his skin was a deep red, but he met Ash’s gaze. “Is this,” Ash gestured, “okay?”

Eiji lowered his gaze, black lashes that swept down hid his eyes, and then brought it back up. “Yes.” He said, and then, “I trust you.”

Ash’s heartbeat was almost painful. He couldn’t say anything to that, so he nodded, leaning down, unable to do anything other than kiss Eiji in that moment.

After a long moment, Ash pulled away, and Eiji gave him a slightly shaky smile.

If his life had been different, this would have been Ash’s first experience with this type of sex. Eiji would have been Ash’s first sexual experience full stop. He picked up the lube, and poured a generous amount onto his fingers. It wasn’t Ash’s first time doing this, but it felt to him like it was. Ash was nervous, he felt desperately consumed by desire, and he wanted only to be worthy of this intimate act, and of Eiji.

At Ash’s first touch, Eiji gasped. Ash looked at him, Eiji was biting his lip, and his eyes were closed. Carefully, Ash pushed a single finger in. Eiji smothered his noises into his arms, but Ash wished he wouldn’t.

After a long moment, Ash carefully added another finger, and felt Eiji’s body tense. He paused, and then felt Eiji slowly relax, watched him exhale shakily. When he kept going, Eiji made a sound in the back of his throat; it might have been a moan. Ash leaned forward and kissed Eiji’s shoulder.

The third finger made Eiji push his hips back. It took Ash by surprise, both the movement and how incredibly aroused he was by it. Ash pressed in, deeper, breathing hard. Eiji arched his back, and moaned loudly. Ash leaned forward, he couldn’t stop himself from pressing as much of his body as he could along Eiji’s, and kissing him. Eiji kissed him back frantic, open mouthed, and with such longing Ash had trouble breathing.

When he pulled away Eiji opened his eyes. His brows were furrowed, almost as if he were in pain, although Ash knew it wasn’t that, it was the opposite.

“Ash,” he said, pleading.

Ash kissed him again. He kept moving his fingers, enjoying the way Eiji couldn’t seem to control his responses; it was a heady thing.

He slowly withdrew his fingers, taking one of the wipes he had bought out and cleaning his fingers. He balled it up and threw it without looking in the direction of the trashcan; if he missed he would pick it up later. For now, Ash picked up the box of condoms and withdrew one. As he did Eiji got up, it seemed to cost him more effort than it should to raise himself up on his arms, but he managed it, and then turned to lie on his back. Without meaning to, Ash swept his gaze down. Eiji was hard and leaking onto his own stomach. When he looked back up, Eiji met his gaze. 

Ash put the condom on fully aware that Eiji was watching him do it, biting his lip as he did so.

They had decided this way was best. It might be a little easier on Eiji’s hips if he had stayed lying on his stomach, but it wouldn’t be the same if they couldn’t look at each other.

Eiji was lying with his knees up and pressed together, his hands on his stomach. He watched as Ash shuffled over to him, and let Ash gently push his knees apart.

“Ash,” Eiji said, when Ash was braced over him, excitement, and nerves thrumming through him. Ash looked at him. Eiji reached up, cupping Ash’s face in his hands, “I love you.”

This too had seemed to Ash like childish fantasy for so long. He remembered being about fifteen and brooding over the concept of _love,_ saying it like it was a dirty word. He remembered scoffing at and concluding that love didn’t exist, it was a fairy tale and nothing more. Ash couldn’t remember when he had stopped thinking like that. When he had instead realized love had always lived inside him, whether it was platonic, romantic, or erotic, Ash had only turned his back on it because he had wanted it too much. And, now, here it was, meeting his gaze, teaching him firsthand that love was a bright, sharp beat of his heart that hurt him so good.

Eiji didn’t give Ash time to reply, he leaned up and kissed him. Ash was going to fall apart, he was going to fall to pieces, and everything he felt was going to wash over Eiji, because everything he felt was _for_ Eiji.

They kissed, and kissed. Their feelings pouring out.

Ash felt Eiji’s hands slide down to his hips, and then pull a little. He broke away from the kiss to look at Eiji. “Tell me if you want me to stop, okay? Or if you don’t like something or – anything, tell me, okay?” Ash was breathless, but completely serious.

“I will,” Eiji said, “but only if you promise too.”

Ash felt his expression soften. “I will,” he promised. They kissed again, and then Ash slowly pushed in.

Eiji broke the kiss to gasp softly, his breathing quickening.

This wasn’t Ash’s first time, but it felt like it. It felt new, a completely different experience from anything he had ever done. Ash had never wanted like this, and he had never had that want answered in kind.

Ash had thought before that he was going crazy with the desire to touch Eiji, and now he felt like he was going crazy with the _act_ of touching him. Eiji was hot and tight, and Ash’s body trembled with the effort it took to go slow and not thrust hard and deep like it was his instinct to do.

It was so much. This. Eiji. Everything. He tried to fight back everything that was coming over him.

So many sensations, so many hard beats of his heart, so many feelings, everything about Ash was turned all the way up. And, Eiji was so close, and this was so intimate –

“ _Ash_.”

Ash opened his eyes, and realized he had closed them. Eiji was looking at him in concern.

“Are you okay?”

Ash wasn’t sure what he had done to indicate something was wrong. Stopped, probably, he wasn’t even all the way in.

“I don’t know,” Ash answered, honest, and quiet. “I’m going to – sorry – “ He slowly withdrew, it was a little uncomfortable, but Ash fell on his back beside Eiji, and felt fractionally better.

“Talk to me?” 

Ash closed his eyes and took a deep breath; he let it out slowly.

He didn’t say anything for a few more heartbeats, then, “I think sometimes it’s just – “ As far as Ash had come, and as much ground as he felt he had covered, it was still hard to admit. “Too much.” He finished. “It makes me feel – vulnerable. I know I can be, with you, but it’s – hard. I’m sorry, - I just - ” He broke off, looking away, feeling shame burn in his face.

A gentle touch to his shoulder, “Ash,” Eiji said quietly, but Ash didn’t look at him. After a beat Eiji kept going, “You do not need to apologize, not for this. It is okay if you want to or need to stop. I love you, Ash, and nothing will change that.” Ash closed his eyes, squeezing them shut tight. “I know you trust me, I do not think that is the issue.”

“Don’t you think it’s stupid?”

“No. Not at all, why would I?”

“Because,” Ash ran a hand through his hair, pushing his bangs back. “I’ve done it with strangers, with people I hated and I – “ The words seemed to stick in his throat. “I – really like you – “ Those words now seemed stupid and little in the face of what he really felt, really wanted to say. He made a small noise of frustration. It was good that he was starting therapy soon, he obviously needed it. 

“Ash,” Eiji said again. He touched Ash’s hand in a gentle request. Ash turned his hand over and Eiji took it and it brought it up to rest over Eiji’s heart. Eiji’s heart still beat harder than normal, but it was calming. Ash finally turned to look at him. “I don’t think you can compare those times and now,” Eiji said gently. “This,” he pressed Ash’s hand against his chest, “makes things different. It is not the same, and that’s okay. Only things you want to happen happen, and when you are ready. When you want, and not before. There is time.” Eiji lifted Ash’s hand, and kissed his palm.

It was such a tender and courtly gesture, like Ash was a nobleman and Eiji was a knight.

Ash’s heart squeezed, he leaned over, and kissed Eiji, kissing so softly it was hardly even a kiss.

Eiji was sweet, so incredibly sweet and Ash – Ash still wanted him.

Pulling back Ash said, “Let’s try again.”

Eiji gave him a look, “Ash,” he started.

“Just – “ Ash paused, not sure how to explain how he felt. “It’s not that I didn’t want to, I was just – “ Ash gestured inadequately. “I needed a second. I’m not asking for anything I don’t want,” Ash finished. 

That was true, but it was also as if saying it out loud, what worried him, what held him back, had helped. It had certainly helped to see Eiji look at him with understanding, with love. His fears and worries didn’t go away, but they were soothed with open acknowledgement, and the fact that he didn’t have to face them alone. 

There was an impulse in Ash still to feel guilty, Eiji could be with someone less troubled and troublesome, but instead he had to deal with Ash. As much as that still sometimes pricked, he had spent so long without him, Ash couldn’t find it in himself to feel guilt the way he once had. Time and distance had changed things, much the same way as proximity had, Ash wasn’t the same mercurial, self denying boy he had been. That was still in him, but there was the start of something else too, acceptance, and forgiveness, of, and for himself. He was beginning to see himself the way Eiji saw him. 

He watched Eiji waver, unsure.

“I promise,” Ash kissed the corner of Eiji’s mouth, “I want to.”

Maybe this attempt would end the same way as the first, but the possibility of things not going exactly as planned had never really stopped anyone from wanting to have sex before. 

Eiji still looked a little uncertain, but he nodded. “I’m trusting you.”

For one ridiculous second, as Ash got back up, he had the image of an arcade video game in his head. ‘ROUND 2’ flashed across the screen. It surprised a laugh out of him.

“What?”

He was braced over Eiji again. Ash told him, and then they were both laughing. “You are crazy,” Eiji said, but he was smiling.

“Yeah,” Ash agreed, and he was smiling too.

It was a bit easier this time, now that he knew what to expect. It still hit Ash with a barrage of feelings and sensations, but it was easier to let them wash over him this time instead of trying not to feel them.

When Ash pushed all the way in, he stopped, and he and Eiji just looked at each other. He felt it again, there, lodged in his throat, having climbed all the way up from his heart. Words crowding in his mouth. Ash bent his head and said it, finally, into Eiji’s ear.

Eiji’s grip on his back tightened, and he repeated the words, turned his head to kiss Ash’s cheek, his neck, and shoulder, and then his mouth when Ash raised his head.

Eiji was right, the feelings in his heart made this different. Of course Ash would be lying if he said he didn’t want this for the pure sensation of it, Eiji flush against him, the smell of his skin, the sounds of his gasps, the burning feel of him, Ash wanted all of it. But, he also wanted a way to communicate what he had so much trouble articulating.

It was so much better than anything he had felt before, anything he had fantasized. Eiji was hot and eager, doing his best to rob Ash of his restraint. 

When all they had done was kiss, Ash thought Eiji might be a quiet lover, that he might simmer slowly, and let self consciousness rule him, but he wasn’t like that at all. He was wonderfully responsive, willing to lead and be led, and he always seemed too caught up in what was happening to be self conscious in the slightest. Like he was now.

Ash moved slowly, watching Eiji’s face, carefully cataloguing his reactions. Eiji seemed to like – Eiji pressed his head back into the pillow, and made a sound that seemed to be pulled from him.

Ash’s own body was pleasantly on fire, burning, and consuming, driving him onward. But, he continued to move slowly, shaking with the effort, and refusing to give in to the desire to push harder.

“ _Ash_.”

His name sounded like pure poetry.

Eiji opened his eyes, his chest heaving, and face flushed, “Ash, I can’t – I – “

Ash closed his hand around Eiji’s cock, feeling it throb in response. Eiji cried out, he jerked his hips upward, and Ash grit his teeth. He almost didn’t hear that cry for the blood rushing in his ears. Ash moved his hand unhurriedly, and Eiji made a sound almost like a sob.

Ash leaned down and kissed him. He was steadily losing his mind, he couldn’t think properly for everything he was feeling. He pulled back, and then as slow as he could sank back into heat that created a pressure in him that threatened every second to break. For a moment his mind caught on that train of thought, he was going to come inside of Eiji. And, as soon as he thought it, he almost did, Ash dropped his head and moaned. 

Wrapping his legs around Ash’s hips, Eiji pulled himself up so he could kiss Ash’s face, his arms around Ash’s neck. He kissed Ash blindly, “ _Please_ – _I can't– “_

The words came out in Japanese. 

Ash’s breath hitched, and he surged forward. It felt like a taut wire snapping. 

Eiji’s back arched, and he began to shake. This caught Ash by surprise, Eiji felt good, _so good_ – And, Ash was coming too. It wasn’t just Eiji who had been on the brink this whole time, Ash had been denying them both, caught up in the desire to draw it out.

They were both panting. Ash had fallen on top of Eiji, and Eiji held him tightly, his fingers trembling.

When Ash finally had enough breath in his body, he lifted himself up. Carefully, he pulled out, and then fell onto his back.

They breathed together for a moment, and when Eiji brushed his fingers, Ash took his hand, and turned his head. Eiji was already looking back at him. His eyes were warm, his expression was joyous, and a little shy. It was probably the same expression Ash himself wore.

“Okay?” Still breathless.

“No,” Ash replied, much the same. “Way better.”

Eiji squeezed his hand, trying to glare and not even kind of succeeding. Ash lifted his hand, and kissed Eiji’s fingers. They smiled at each other, and Ash felt, embarrassingly; tears begin to prick his eyes. He blinked them back.

“Hold on,” Ash said, letting go of Eiji’s hand, and pushing himself up. His limbs were heavy and he immediately wanted to lie back down, but he didn’t. Eiji was sitting up too, wincing. “Are you hurt?”

He looked up; Ash was standing now. Eiji shook his head, “Just sore,” he smoothed his hands over his hips and rubbed at his knees.

“Do you want to take a bath?”

“Yes.”

Ash went to clean off, turning the heater on for the bath when he did. He then poured a glass of water for Eiji, bringing it and a damp washcloth back for him. Eiji was lying down again, stretching, hands over his head, and body twisting this way and that. When he saw Ash staring, he stopped.

“What?” Eiji sat up again a little stiffly.

“Nothing,” Ash handed him the water. It was probably too much for both of them to do it again right now. “You’re sure you’re not hurt?”

“I’m sure,” Eiji drank all the water down in one go. He lowered the glass and asked suddenly, “Do you think the people next to us, ah, heard?”

“Yeah,” Ash said without missing a beat. “We weren’t quiet, and these walls are thin.”

Eiji dropped his face into his hands, and Ash tried not to laugh, too much, out loud.

“Here,” Ash touched Eiji’s arms lightly, coaxing them back down, and gently cleaned off his stomach. Eiji let him, and when he was done, pulled Ash forward to kiss him.

“I’m happy,” Eiji said, not even an inch from Ash’s face, “I’m glad everything was – is with you.”

It was similar to what Ash had been thinking; his heart beat in his chest. “Me too.” He was glad it was Eiji he had fallen in love with.

When the water was ready they got up. Ash had to help Eiji who almost fell back down, his knees completely gave out.

“I did not think,” Eiji said, when he could walk again, “being ‘weak kneed’ was a real thing.”

The bath felt wonderful. Ash probably wasn’t as sore as Eiji, but his muscles still appreciated the soothing heat. Eiji was leaning against Ash, his back against Ash’s chest, and Ash could feel them both start to drift off after only a minute.

“Hey,” he said, forcing his eyes open and nudging Eiji, “Don’t fall asleep.”

Eiji made a sleepy noise of protest.

“Wake up, or we’re getting out right now.”

He watched Eiji struggle to open his eyes, “Fine,” he said, grudgingly.

“Tell me about work.”

“What? Why?”

“It’ll keep you awake, tell me.”

Eiji sighed, and then he did. Even with that added assistance, he was still falling asleep, his speech slowed, and his words started to drag out.

Ash heaved his own sigh and prodded Eiji in the side. “Come on,” he said, ignoring the indignant sound he made. “Let’s go to bed.”

Blurry eyed and swaying slightly, they managed to dry themselves off enough to stumble back to their futons. They were both too tired to bother with pyjamas. They simply fell into bed, Ash just barely had enough energy to drag the blankets over them, Eiji’s head had settled into the space between Ash’s neck and shoulder, and there it stayed, he was already passed out. Ash wanted to turn off the lamps, but all he did was blink at them, and then he too was asleep.

* * *

They slept in well-passed breakfast. They must have been very tired indeed because when Ash woke up, they were still in the exact same positions they had been in when they fell asleep.

It took Ash a moment of slowly blinking to realize he and Eiji were both completely naked, and then to remember why that was. As soon as he did he felt the slight soreness in his body, and remembered everything that had happened last night.

Gladness welled in his heart.

Eiji began to stir beside him; Ash watched his eyelids flutter. When he finally managed to open them, he looked at Ash in an unfocused way for a second, then put his arms around Ash’s middle and pressed his face to Ash’s shoulder.

“’Morning,” Eiji's voice was muffled against Ash’s skin.

Ash smiled softly, “Good morning,” he said. And, it really was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again to Silverdraeconis for all her help with this fic! You can find her on [tumblr](https://silverdraeconis.tumblr.com/) and [twitter](https://twitter.com/SilverDraeconis)
> 
> 'Eiji was the definition of catching flies with honey,' is probably one of my fave things I've written. I'm weirdly proud of that line. ^^;;; Anywayy, thanks so much to everyone kudos and commenting!!! I appreciate every little bit of support my work gets, it means the world to me!
> 
> You can fine me on [tumblr](https://nightofviolet.tumblr.com/) and [twitter](https://twitter.com/snow_falls4)!


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